( o f : A m a n d a )

so i have never blogged before, mostly because i don't have many things that i feel are important to say, or if they are, i don't feel like i can expose myself while other people read. plus my life mostly consists of vommit, and diaper changes, and other vastly captivating baby oriented things. however, tonight something happened that i feel like writing about. i went to this benefit thing. now before i went, i realized that there was a distinct possibility that i would run into people that i haven't seen (in about a year and a halfish) on purpose, because the events of my life in the last 2 years have been completely insane. what i didn't realize was that EVERY person that gives me the desire to run screaming out of a room would be there. (please understand, i don't run screaming because i hate them, or dislike them or hold any ill will toward them, it's just that i let them down, and made some foolish decisions, and would rather not deal with the a. judgement b. sympathy c.apologies d.the unknown)....so i see these people, and quickly went and sat at my own table. i tried not to look in their direction, but it just so happens that i had to walk within about 2 inches of them twice...yeah...good times...i was shaking. literally shaking...trembling...as in, physically walking and having to concentrate on making it to where i was goin...i pretended not to see them, and they pretended not to see me. i guess it worked out for everyone. the question is should i have confronted my "fear"? should i have looked those people in the face and said, i'm over it, its over, i can't go back and undo those things those times those actions...or, should i have grovelled or apologized? i almost felt like i could just go somewhere and weep. it's interesting because lately, God has been bringing up my past in such intense and confrontational ways, that i cannot deny or get around the fact that He is working something out in me. on one hand, i still feel like a small child being punished, and in another way, i feel like a grown woman, fighting for her child, and validation...when i get embarassed, i feel almost ashamed, because although yes, i did some foolish things, but dammit, i am proud of and so blessed to have my son, and be where i am in my life. is it what i would have written in a story book if i could write my life? not a chance. but is God meeting me here, and has He redeemed what was meant to be my destruction? absolutely.