( o f : A m a n d a )

broken legs

2009-01-09T22:42:00.000-08:00

today matthew jack and i went to summer and robbies for breakfast and just to hang out. then the two of them, the three of us, and their five kids and two dogs all took a long walk. we walked for quite a while, and jack's little legs got tired. matt put him up on his shoulders and carried him that way for probably about twenty minutes. all of the sudden i hear jack crying and whining at matt. he is begging matt not to touch his legs. matt explains that if he doesn't hold jacks legs, jack will fall off his shoulders....

at this point i tell matt just to get jack down so i can have a talk with him. jack starts freaking out an crying and saying his legs hurt. when matt puts him on the ground, instead of standing up, jacks legs buckle in a bambi-type-new-dear-learning-to-walk manner. when i stand him back up he falls again and is crying saying his legs hurt! at this point one of summers kids asks if his legs are broken? jack really starts to freak out now. i am holding him, and he is sobbing all the while telling me that his legs are broken...

all the grown ups, of course, have realized that jack's legs were simply asleep, but while i am rubbing his legs trying to get them to wake up, he refuses to believe me.

JACK:(sobbing) My legs are broken!!!
ME: (cracking up) no they aren't
JACK: (still sobbing) yes they are!!!

this is how our conversation went for about a minute. after which time, i stood him up. his legs held him this time, and he broke into hysterical, relieved laughter with tears still on his face. maybe the cutest moment of all time....

...

2008-11-16T21:41:00.000-08:00

so many thoughts swirl in my head. it is difficult to pick a place to even start. often lately i cannot help but to think of how blessed i am to have you. to be near you. to be loved by you. the other day in church the pastor was talking about how some of us know exactly where God has pulled us from. i am easily one of those people. i was in the deepest darkest hole before i reached out and "returned His kiss". i could never have imagined 7 years ago where i would be today.

i have been through many phases in my life. i have made some excellent decisions and some decisions that i can only shake my head at in complete wonderment. i am so thankful for what i have come through. i am thankful that i didn't walk alone, even in those times when i felt like i was the only one who knew how dark my life was. i am blessed to have lived through the teen marriage, grown up divorce, and illegitimate pregnancy of the last 7 years. i was bruised, marked, burned, stamped, named, killed, and re-born. i have been alternately dutiful, numb, burdened, embarrassed, ashamed, exhausted, elated, and proud.

i know where i have come from. i know the list of cons against me. i remember how it felt to be alone. to be shameful. i know how the darkness was. i remember the numb, floating, merely existing version of myself.

the old amanda--the naive, depressed, lost, numb amanda is gone. she has been replaced by the woman i have chosen to become. the woman i have healed to become. i could not have become who i currently am without a few key things. firstly, grace. you have no idea how important this unconditional and freely given grace is until it is the only thing you can cling to in life. secondly, jack. jack is what grounds me. he makes me consider who i want to be, and what legacy i want to leave.

for so long, my history controlled my future. my fears and previous experiences crippled me, and i allowed it. but i am proud to say, no more. i am incredibly happy today, and i am perfectly okay with that. it almost sounds strange to say, but for a long time i felt as though i didn't deserve to be happy.

now-a-days, i am almost too happy. lol. these are the things rolling around in my mind right this second:

i wonder if we would've had the same reaction to each other if we had met when i was young. i love that we were friends first. i can't believe we met at work. (is this cliche??) you are so smart. you are so levelheaded, and by nature you are incredibly calm. i love how intuitive you are, even though you call me out on shit i'm not ready to talk about sometimes. i love your honesty. i always know where i stand with you, and the tpoint of view that you bring is dead on (most of the time:). i fell in love with you so damn fast. that love was like getting hit by a truck. i had never experienced anything like that. especially coming from the viewpoint that i had at that time. it knocked me for a loop. that love has deepened and sweetened and grown over the last year and a halfish. i am in love with you, and i love you, and i wasn't sure i would ever be able to say that.

lesson learned?

2008-10-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

Alicia Keys
Lesson Learned
Listen to it as you read please.

He broke a heart
And now it's raining
Just to rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it
You'll say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came 'round
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

It's alright
It's alright
It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Sometimes, Some lies
Can take a minute
To fully realize
His tears, Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize

You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

old thoughts, new post

2008-10-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

our thoughts and prayers go out to you.
isn't that what condolence cards say?

but they don't.
our thoughts don't magically go reach people.
our prayers don't wrap those we love in a spontaneous hug.

it is our responsibility to become those words.
you become a living prayer, a living condolence.
because no comfort is found in a card sent from miles away.

comfort is found in arms,
comfort is found in warmth.
comfort is found in conversations,
and the sharing of life, of grief and of burdens.

i won't send a card.

i will give you my voice.
i will give you my time.
i will give you all the strength and warmth and presence i have.

9/14/07...........2:28 AM

revelations

2008-05-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

this weekend jared, gina and the girls were here. i took the all kids to feed the ducks on monday morning. seeing three car seats side by side and watching my son interact with his cousins took my breath away. to see him so happy and playful and childish was a moment of beauty. as i was driving and watching the kids tickle each other from their car seats, i realized that i want more kids. with everything in me, i want jack to grow up and exist in a family with siblings. i want for him what i had growing up. i love that kid with an immeasurable love, but no type of love i can give him can possibly substitue for having that sibling love. that companionship and built in friendship. i want jack to have the built in security of family.

my love for jack makes my heart want to explode. i can't imagine what my heart would do with more. as i considered how strongly i feel about my son, a friend pointed out that i have now experienced a tiny slice of what God feels. this insight blew my mind. the reality is that God wants all His children. all of us. each of us make His heart explode. and He desires more. He wants us in families. He wants us secure. He wants us surrounded and loved.

as i was putting jack to bed, we were praying like we always do. we hug throughout the bedtime prayer. in an instant, i was overcome with emotion. i hugged him and said, "i love you son"...with a seriousness i couldn't have anticipatied, he replied, "i love you mommy". uh someone kill me. i have thanked God a million times for my son, but tonight was different. tonight i was having a hard time keeping my eyes dry as i said it. i appreciate my son so much. the fact that God knew exactly what He was doing when He breathed life into me blows my mind. jack is my love. jack is my passion in life, and i am supremely blessed to have him.

strawberries and celebrations

2008-05-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

today jack and i went to the strawberry festival.

i love the strawberry festival. i love walking around in the throngs of people, and dodging those i know. lol. i love the delicious strawberry treats that are absolutely everywhere. i love the terriyaki on a stick, the fresh roasted corn, the cotton candy, the ridiculous and enormous drinks made out of pineapples. i love that there are live infomercials going at all time...i saw one for "the chopper" (similar to the magic bullet). it was amazing. but since i am me and not melissa or my dad, i didn't buy one. lol. i love watching families together, and kids getting their faces painted. i love the popcorn and the games. i love the loud noise and the smells. i even cracked up when i heard a mother SCREAMING at her children. "I SAID WALK! JESUS, DO YOU WANT ME TO FALL OVER BACKWARDS?!" (typically screaming mothers don't have a humorous effect on me, but you should've seen this lady..cotton candy in one hand, pushing a baby stroller, her two teenage kids who are pissed to be in public with her, her husband is eyeing either some art, or a female...and she is irate. so funny)

i love the art for sale, watercolors and oil paintings of ridiculous flowers that belong in old peoples houses.i love the caricaturist. i've always wanted to get one drawn, but i never want to wait through the line. i love the purse and wallet and sunglasses booths, who swear the price is $30, but change their tune as soon as you turn to leave. i love the fact that there and(hopefully)only there did i see a man wearing the equivalent of a Hawaiian shirt, but the print was speed racer. wow. lol. i love the fact that i have memories of being a little kid there, and that you can walk forever.

i love when it's just jack and i. i love being alone with him and having him all to myself. i appreciate other people, and my family for always being there for us, but it is so nice when it's just jack and i, with nobody texing me, no one calling, and we just get to enjoy even a short half hour with each other....i love being able to focus all my energy purely and only on him. he needs it. i need it. i heart the strawberry festival.

jonesing

2008-03-18T14:52:00.002-07:00

lately i have an appetite i cannot fill. i am jumpy, i am impatient, i am a mess some days. the other day, i was driving, and i was jonesing so bad that while i was driving, i found myself clicking on and off my seatbelt, rolling my window up and down, and changing the radio station a million times. i finally got out of my car, i slammed my door and literally ran into the house. that is where i got my fix.
i walked into my house and i yelled, where's my baby!? immediately, i hear, "mommy's home!!!" jack came running over to me, and grabbed onto me and hugged me and continued to say mommy's home mommy's home a million more times. i was instantly soothed.
i miss out on so much with him(yep this is a pity party lol). between school and work and my need to study so i can pass school, i swear some days i only get to see him for four hours. when i am not near him, like when a big test, or speech or paper is due, i crave him. days that i have an entire free day seem to be ever interrupted. by obligations that come with him, or my own schedule or whatever else. the other day, jack got to spend some time with his cousins. he loves those little girls SO SO SO much! he had a blast, and it was great for him. still, while i was shopping and he was hanging out with his cousins, there was just this looming, ever impending sense of guilt over having a free afternoon and not spending every second with him. i was shopping for moms birthday which was awesome and fun and necessary but still i felt like i was short changing jack.
as soon as we were done shopping i took off for jared and ginas. i took the wrong exit and accidentally took a mini detour. i started jonesing again. i was shifting in my chair, and just wanted to scream at myself for the 5 minute delay i had created. the funny thing is once i arrived, jack could've cared less. lol. i got "mommy's here!" and a kiss, then he went directly back to playing outside with his cousins. which is great. i wish we lived closer and that he got to play with the girls more often.
i wonder sometimes if i need him more than he needs me. i know he misses me while i'm at school and work. i sure miss the hell out of him. i do not want him to be a mamas boy, but i feel like he is. i let him fall and calmly tell him to get up. i let him run and play at the park without hovering every second. i let him play by himself and don't require that he be leashed to me all the time. however, when i am home, he is on me. we start with a long hug and maybe sit together for a couple minutes. he cannot do much without my help or approval at this stage in life. uh. the growing frustrations of parenthood.
bottom line, i am guilty of spending too much time away from my son. i feel that guilt, and it is cemented into my soul when i tell him i have to go to work or school and i see that look on his face. i wonder if men feel this way? you know the dad that goes to work every morning. i wonder if when he kisses his kids goodbye he feels shitty for leaving. i doubt it. that man knows his responsibility is to provide for that child. my responsibilities are different than that. mine involve being a mother a student and an employee. the first i do out of love and pleasure. the second i do because i want to be able to be the best mother i can be. and the third i do because i need to work to pay bills. (i love the hp don't get me wrong:) i am conflicted on every level. i am constantly giving myself the "greater good" speech.
i know that i am pretty much doing all that i can do in this moment. however, that knowledge does not absolve me of my guilt. that knowledge doesn't change the look on jack's face or the tone of his argument when i announce that i have to leave. does he hurt half as bad as i do when we are separated? God forbid.

feb 9

2008-03-18T14:52:00.001-07:00

man. some days are rough.

i don't know what to say. i feel like i've been cying all day, yet not one tear has fallen. i am exhausted, and stuck. uh. for one minute. i had so much hope. i was full of expectations and plans and freedom. i was light as a feather, and nothing could touch me. i could do anything, be anything, live my life how i saw fit. there was a new feeling of security, and a feeling of being carefree like i rarely feel. it was like the most beautiful summer day, and you know you have the day off. it was like the most relaxing, peaceful, beautiful vacation you could ever go on.

then as quickly as it came it was gone. the sky clouded over, and it got cold. the sun was hidden behind the clouds, and all my fears and all those strings that control so much of my life returned. i no longer can call my own shots, my days again are not my own. what little time i have to enjoy in life, you are taking captive. again. still. the fear that i hadn't felt in my heart again is squeezing. it is so suffocating that at times it is difficult to breathe. this blows.

stop feeling sorry for yourself amanda. be happy that you caught a brief break. be thankful that you had a couple of the most beautiful days you could've ever imagined. grow up. life is only as it will be.

dawns birthday

2007-10-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

was amazing. it was fantastic, and fun, and FABULOUS!! (picture uncle bobby saying the last one)

it was a beautiful day. dawn and nal had their nails done, and both girls had just gotten their hair colored, and let me tell you, beautiful....

we had been counting down this day for months, so the expectations were high, and we were basically peeing our pants all week long...

barb got there, but it wasn't barb...but no one really cared cuz hello, there was a bad ass limo!!!! we carted all our extra alcohol onto the bus, and her gifts, and prepared to PARTY!! nal put in cd one, and we immediately jumped up and started dancing... unfortunately dancing in a moving vehicle without falling over is more difficult than it sounds... we hadn't even made it out of the apartment complex before nal flashed someone. ha ha ha i know i know nal, you didn't really flash them, you were wearing an undershirt. lol.

we went to pick up lisa and on the way, we cracked bottle one of champagne. we then picked lisa said hello to her kiddos, and got back on the bus to pleasure town. (okay not pleasure town, but happy town for sure) We went and picked up kaylee and stacey, and were on our way to wherever the road might lead...

on our way to dinner, we had more champagne, and the first shot of the evening...PATRON!! ps whose idea was that...ewww **by the way, i took a sip of it and passed the rest off to lisa***

we got to the restaurant, and were welcomed by mom, a room decorated with ballons, and a table decorated with chocolate chips... we sat down, only to realize that dawn had yet to man up to the bar... now this is where i have to give roz props. dawn had told her that she would only take three shots while at the post. roz made those shots count. the shots were created in buckets, which when full are two plus shots...ha ha dawn she tricked you! and by the way, the second one took dawn two drinks to finish...i'm not gonna say the word i'm thinking there, but fyi it starts with a "P" so we sit down, order some delicious food, and began our obnoxious yet hilarious evening at the hp. Nikki was our server and she did a fantastic job at wrangling all the mildly intoxicated people into order. then dawn opened her gifts and found out we are all sending her on a cruise!! YAY she was so surprised!! so many funny things happened at dinner. dawn kept looking at tio and yelling tio, i'm so glad you made it! uncle bobby quite possible took cormans virginity, and melissa made some fantastic comment to uncle bill about our bowling event on wed morning...ahh good times... at the end of dinner, dawns cake came out and we sang. the cake was shaped like a bottle of cuervo...amazing...great job nal. dawn was then ready to take her final shot. however, she insisted that mom take it with her. in turn mom insisted that shane take it as well. LOL. roz lines up the shots, and down they go..

we left the hp, and onto elmers where jimmy was kind enough to start dawn with a flaming dr pepper followed by a rick james biatch! for each of us. dawn opened her present from jimmy and put on the fantastic hat..then the smiths bought a round of red-headed sluts, and we boarded the party bus and partied out way to SLO. there were dance competitions and well, basically standing competitions...haha hard wood floors, spilled liquids, a moving vehicle, and four inch heels... good times. uncle bobby's dancing was classic of course....there was a certain hand rail that many attempted....

we arrived in SLO, and went to the library...where we ALL got in, including kaylee...we danced the night away, and dawn made a dollar from melissa for dancing with the guy in the black sweatshirt. then there was the attempt to help that one guy get his dance on...poor guy couldn't even dance as well as jack...we left the library, and found a cozy bench on the way to mothers...after some deliberation we decided to go back to santa maria. as we waited for the limo, (i was on the phone with matt) some guy walks up to me and asks me for a light. i said, no. he then walked over to the rest of the group, and KAYLEE gave him a light. thus began the saga that was zach effron. (aka michael ross wambolt) as he talked and joked with those in the group, he ended up walking across the street with us to meet our limo... however, as we were all walking across the street, he somehow felt it would be appropriate to slap my ass a few times. i bascially punched him in the head and used some very clear words with him, and he said he was sorry. as i am relaying to matt what just happened, i see him boarding the bus (limo). i was like what the????

hhahahahahahah

so onto the bus we all go, and head back to sm. as we get underway, we realize that effron is destined to be THE life of the party. his uhh shall we say antics? were completely out of control. lol. he danced, he laughed, he did things that our parents don't need to know about...haha oh my goodness the pictures i have of that forty minute drive are amazing...i hope someday i run into a sober zach effron, and i can show him these pictures...

we got to the sm inn, and effron bought a round. we then decided to leave, and took stacy and kaylee home...at this point we were so spent that pretty much each of us had commandeered a couch except for gavin and cherise, who were just starting to get their party on. i drove melissa and i home from dawnals house (jacks word) and we stopped at jack in the box on the way home.

all in all, it was a beautiful evening. shared by people we love, people we are close to, in celebration of one of my closest friends. as i write this i am getting all emotional and whatnot. i am so thankful that we have all become friends. it has been close to a year of friendship with you two, and i could not ask for better friends. you guys are always there when i need to vent, or bitch, or need help. i love the laughter, the camaraderie, and who each of you are. i remember back in the day when i couldn't tell who was answering the phone. now i count you both as some of my closest friends. you guys are always honest with me, and supportive, and just all arond fantastic...okay i'm gonna stop writing cuz i'm now crying...uh... i love you girls, and happy 21st dawn!!!xoxox

mrs. s

2007-10-16T23:49:00.001-07:00

people who believe themselves to be better than others annoy me.

no, annoy is vague, too easy to dismiss. some days i can blow off the ignorance and general lack of intelligence and chalk it up to a certain amount of arrogance all humans posses. however, some days i read, or hear, or run into a special breed of people. they are the people who believe that the rules of the world do not apply to them. these are the people who refuse to see their own faults, and cannot comprehend anything but their own perfection. it is so frustrating to be completely able to defend yourself and those you love, and yet to choose not to. i ran into a very arrogant woman. a woman who i am acquainted with because of similar circles that we were involved in many years ago. this woman doesn't know me, or my family. she has never cared to truly know us. to truly get in upto her elbows, and live life with us. yet she presumed to make judgments about us. she in her own religious self-righteous bubble, believes herself better than those i love and identify with most. in her upside down world, your worth as a spiritual being is defined by WHAT YOU DO. amazing. this same woman, whose life is of course perfect has a daughter going through a divorce. when asked about her children, she gave me full updates on all the rest while curiously leaving out the shamed and sinful soon to be divorcee daughter.

if you want to hit my hot button quickly, presume to know and judge someone else's spirituality. if you want to hit my hot button even quicker, bail on those who need you most, and distance yourself from things you don't "approve" of, or things that don't fit your lovely little package called theology.

real life isn't tied up in neat packages. truth doesn't come only when convenient. life is dirty, and muddy, and painful. life is fought in the trenches, and you can consider yourself blessed if you find yourself surrounded by people who truly love you. there are those i would take a bullet for. but in all likelihood, that will never be necessary. what will be necessary is for me to weep with them when they loose parents, to love them through addictions, to encourage them with my words, and to be a safe place to hide out during a storm.

i think the reason that woman, and the other arrogant and willfully ignorant people who come to mind now, make me so mad so fast is that i used to be them. i used to think i had it all together. i thought i was set on my life's course, and i clung to the formulas of Christianity as though they made me right. the more i see of life, and the more i get in up to my elbows with those around me, and truly love them, the more i am convinced that there is something seriously wrong with the way we act out "Christianity".

it seems to me as though Christianity has become synonymous with superiority. as Christians, the last thing we are is superior. we, more so than anyone else should be painfully aware of our own sickness, and the immeasurable cost that results from it. we should be the FIRST to extend grace and kindness. NOT the first to boo and hiss and make harsh statements. why do we feel the need to spread our righteousness? The Bible says it's the KINDNESS of God that brings us to repentance. not the ass whopping He hands out that we absolutely deserve.

i have come to believe that when Jesus said do not give that which is holy to the dogs, and don't cast your pearls before swine, he was not speaking about sinners, or pagans, or whores, or the outcast of society. I have an easier time believing Jesus was talking about those who consider themselves religious. Especially since it seems that Jesus spent more of his time hanging out with hoodlum fisherman, a murderer, an outcast prostitute, and the equivalent of a crooked irs agent. Jesus spent his time speaking to the poor, the lonely, the broken, the smelly, the people who likely swore and were not pure, religious, and articulate. I find that the most difficult people to stomach are those so convinced of their own perfection, that they cannot see how irrelevant and isolated they have become in their own community. i believe that the dogs, or the swine are people like the arrogant, ignorant woman i spoke of earlier. the real swine, the real dogs are those who can say out loud that others are not good enough. how dare we attempt to define who is or is not "good"?

God help us and our arrogance. God help our own willful ignorance, and our obsession with being better than others. Show us our brokenness. Let us remember what messes we are. Let us love others. Let us give of ourselves. Let us be truthful representations of you. Not these horrid knock-offs that somewhere have the word "Christ" stamped on us. That use your name as an excuse to hurt people. Teach us, redefine to us what you would look like in the year 2007. And help us to become those people. Because who we are is hurtful, and life stealing, and a piss-poor representation of Your name.

hand holding

2007-09-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

i love it when....

jack holds my hand while i'm driving the car. it's usually after we haven't seen each other most the day, like when i go pick him up from dawn, or late at night. i will reach back all awkwardly and contortionist status into the back seat, and he will hold my hand. and sometimes, he takes his little thumb and rubs my hand with it, just like i do to him. sigh...happiness is holding hands with my son as my arm is falling asleep and all sorts of muscles i didn't know i had are aching. happiness is coming home to a small blonde haired blue eyed (yes matthew, i know, hitler youth) boy, who loves me, and is so smart it makes me wonder at how much we really know about children.

happiness to me is not the absence of conflict, or pain, or processing, happiness is found in the moments where jack holds my hands, tells me that he "loves you dawg" and volunteers the fact that he is "happy". there is nothing that brings an immediate soothing after a long, tiring day like my son's unconditional acceptance of me.

the flip side of that is that even now as i sit here in some sort of strange utopia about how fantastic mommy-hood is, i can hear you through the monitor, refusing to nap. jumping in your bed and talking to yourself...i swear child, nothing can calm me down or make me hot faster than you being sweet, or you being disobedient. oi vey...child...i swear...

ahhh the balance...it's a good thing i guess that he is not perfect...otherwise you wouldn't be able to tell he was related to his dad! HAHAHAH i know that was so wrong, but it was so funny...i really didn't mean that everyone, no one freak out on me, i just thought it was funny. hahahahahaha

truth two

2007-09-13T16:18:00.001-07:00

Oh to know the freedom of truth.
To love her embrace.
To be pliable to her kneading.
In truth is beauty.
In truth is found pure nakedness.
When I am naked, I see the things I hate.
I see the things that make me sick.
I see the things that bring anger and a bitter taste to my lips.
I see betrayal. I see a cut to the very depth of my soul.

Truth has kissed me,
Let me not turn my head, no not now,
Let me not turn my head.
A kiss of sorrow.
A kiss of betrayal.
A kiss of ruin.

With truth must come growth, for when I see her, I know her.
I know more, I understand more.
She brings me age, she brings me wisdom, she brings me unbearable pain.
Truth does not smile. She does not laugh.
She is ever somber. She is ever strong.
Truth does not discriminate.
Truth tears me apart piece by piece until I am nothing but who I am.

Let me be so blessed as to know truth.
Let me be so honored as to embrace her.
Let me live my life hand in hand with her.

tomorrow tomorow

2007-08-30T20:52:00.001-07:00

i love ya tomorrow, you're only a day away!!!

today is

2007-08-18T09:39:00.000-07:00

jacks second birthday!

he has no idea what that means yet, except that eveyone is yelling loudly in his direction while smiling. ha ha

my baby is two. no way.

two years ago at six something this morning, i was pushing out a little red faced, batman-symboled baby boy. now he is two and can speak for himself, and feed himself, and definitely has his own opinions.

i feel like it is my second birthday too. i feel like i have grown up considerably in the last two years. my life has changed pretty dramatically, in the most beautiful and unexpected ways. life is rarely what we plan, but then again, where would be the fun in knowing what's coming next?

thank you to all our (mine and jacks) friends and family, who have texted and called, and written, and wished him a happy birthday. it makes me teary eyed to think about all the amazing people who love my son. he is so blessed. the fact that he grows up in a less than ideal situation sucks. the fact that he grows up loved and surrounded by all of you is phenominal. so thank you. thank you thank you thank you.

my son

2007-07-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

LOVES CHOCOLATE.

I blame auntie missa. I blame pop-pop. I do not blame myself. I do not blame a genetic pre-disposition toward the love of that delicious, magical food. Although, I do have a very deep and beautiful love for anything chocolaty...still, it all started with M's (m&m's) given by auntie missa, and pop-pop... oi vey...we have now moved onto chocolate chip pancakes, and whatever else he sees that resembles chocolate in any way.

At least twice a day i hear, "...uh...chocolate??" aye dios...

I vowed i would be a moderately healthy parent, no soda, no candy, not tons of fast food...only to be undone by the LORDS most amazing gift, chocolate... sigh...

Again though let the record show, and jack someday when you are grown and want to know why you are addicted, you will understand that auntie missa and pop-pop did this.

signal fire

2007-07-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won't wait forever(2x)

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

No I won't wait forever(x3)

last night

2007-07-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

was so much fun. i love summertime. i love that i'm not stressed out, i'm not in school, and i am spending shitloads of time with my son.

last night we wrestled and raced and had horsie rides. We rolled in the mud, and played keep away for close to an hour. the bridge cd was playing loudly, and both jack and i were sweating and breathing hard. it was freaking beautiful. non-stop laughs.

at one point we were both so flipping exhausted that we were just laying on my pallet, panting, with the music playing loudly in the background. my son took this opportunity to jump on my stomach, and i thought my heart might explode. the love that i have for jack is unrivaled, and unparalleled. it cannot be explained, it cannot be dimmed.

that kid has MADE my life. i am so thankful for him. i would not be half of the person i am had it not been for him. at times i have wondered why i couldn't get pregnant when i was married, but i got knocked up instantly with jeff. i wondered why God would let my life go that route.

i don't so much wonder any more. i can see the beauty and the purposefulness (probably not really a word) in the way jack came about.

he saved my life. because of jack, i came out of my depression, i came out of my shame and my death. i lacked so much life before him. i was melancholy and satisfied with less than i should've been.

i want so many things for him, and because i do, it makes me want things for myself. i want to live my life out in front of him in a way that will make him proud of me, and help shape him to be the best man he can be.

i have already learned so much because of him. i have changed so much because of him. i am so proud of him.

memories

2007-07-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

are not always a bad thing.
sometimes i forget that.
then i turn on the radio and hear, "i hope you dance..." ha ha
man that farmer's market was something else. we laughed at that barefoot nasty sounding, guitar playing hippie chick for so long. i will never hear that song without thinking of you. it's good to have a happy memory of those times. sometimes i think they are all sad, or tragic, or hurtful. then i hear that freakin song, and am forced to smile and remember that there was some laughter, some fun. i hope life is treating you well. i hope you can find something in your memory to smile about. i hope it is not all tradgedy and hurt when you look back.

i heart sushi

2007-07-05T14:36:00.001-07:00

so two days ago, i got to have lunch with my big brother. my brother has been my hero pretty much since i was born. there is no one who can make me feel stronger, no one who i fight to measure up to more than him. because of that, there have been times where i have gotten quiet with him. i don't like failing, and when i fail, i SO don't like doing it in front of those whom i wish to impress. my brother has never made me feel like a failure, even at times where CLEARLY i have blown it...like way way blown it. he has constantly been loving and reassuring, and supportive.

we had lots to talk about at lunch. i am trying out a new thing called honesty, and had much to say. as always, my brother surprised the hell out of me. i went expecting certain questions, certain concerns, and i heard none of them. what i heard was my big brother finding things in me that i didn't even know existed. one of the major things that he had to say was that i feel like my judgment is invalid, or worthless, because i have made some less than great calls in the past. which is totally true. this is why i keep my secrets, this is why i don't bring guys around, this is why i don't fight for myself. Because i feel like i have made myself look like a joke enough times to invalidate anything i feel or believe.

what's a trip is i never thought about it like that before, but he is 100 percent correct. because of the fact that i have not made great life choices, and my decision making skills have sucked in the past, i live my life in a way that only i will know about my failures. to some people this may not seem like that big of a revelation, but this realization rocked me to my core. the fact that someone i respect and admire more than just about anyone was sitting across the table from me and telling me that my opinions and feelings are valid, and important, and that i am no different than him or my sister... that was huge.

so thank you jared, for lunch. thanks for sushi. thanks for the sapporo. thanks for making me feel like i am allowed to believe in myself. like i am allowed to be happy. i love you bra.

surpsises

2007-07-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

Jack is so smart. I handed him his juice and told him to go put it away in the kitchen. He hops off my lap, goes running for the kitchen, and before very long i hear, "HELP" which really sounds more like HAOLP (sound it out)..i realize that he is trying to put it away in the fridge. HOW SMART IS THIS KID?

Sometimes I think it is to his detriment that he is so smart. We were watching happy feet a minute ago, and the mommy penguin, daddy penguin and the baby penguin were all standing together. This is what my son says: "mommy and dada" My heart instantly broke and I started to cry. Sometimes I think i can protect him from the truth. I prefer to think he has no concept of a mama and a dadddy being together, but he is so much smarter than i give him credit for. It makes me sad or something else i can't describe when i realize he knows things he shouldn't have to. when i realize he will likely see things he shouldn't have to.

I know God has forgiven me for the malo decisions I have made in my life. I have forgiven myself too, mostly. But there is something about the way my heart breaks when i see how Jack is being forced to grow up...

dear sqeak

2007-05-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

I had finals this week. not so much easy as they were hard. i studied pretty much all day on wed, as two of my major finals were thursday. at some point i realized it was time to go get some food, so i took my notes and note cards and went to addamo. i sat at the little bar they have, and as i was studying, i started to do what comes naturally to me...eavesdropping...

as i started to listen, i pick up on five women behind me, all bitching about their marriages. my husband does this, my husband doesn't do that, blah blah blah, life is so hard, he didn't used to be like this, my dad wasn't like this, blah blah, blah. as i am hearing all this negativity, i start to realize that wow, this is bumming out EVEN me. hello, me. I am the one who views marriage as suffocation, or a deathwish of sorts, and THEY are bumming ME out... wow...

and then i thought about how often i spew my negative views and bad experiences onto my sister(s), and what a downer it must be to them. i thought about how unfair and thoughtless that is of me. i thought about how awkward that makes things. you know, it's difficult to relax and be happy and believe in good things that come your way, if someone is always spitting negative poison on you. i would never want my sister to feel guilty becuase she is happy, or wonder if i would support the idea of her getting married. i want her to know that when the time comes, whenever that is, ten years or one, i will be genuinely happy for her, and that i will support and believe in her happiness 100%.

dear squeak,

don't be like me. believe in love. believe in fairy tales. believe and be sweet. be unspoiled. be hopeful.
don't be harsh. don't be negative.
make your own story. enjoy your life. enjoy love. take it slowly and savor every moment.

for some reason, sometimes it's hard for us to embrace relationships. we feel awkward, pressured. it's unfair, and wrong. blow that off and refuse to feel that way. be melissa. i love you, and i deeply apologize for the damage that i may have done with my words, and behaviors.

i love you

birthday bliss

2007-05-02T22:39:00.000-07:00

so a couple days ago i officially turned 25. that's right, i'm halfway to fifty! score! anyways, i have had a migraine for several days, and so i wasn't particularly excited about it. my plans were to study, go to the dr, and go to work. my sister and friends had other plans for me however. at ten thirty i put jack down for his nap, and left him in my mom's capable hands. melissa then drove me to sycamore springs, where i found out i was in for a spa day...let me just say, everyone should do this at least once in their lives...amazing! i haven't been that relaxed since, i dunno like 5th grade? the spa was great, the therapists were great, and it was the perfect gift for me.

then we got home that night and my brother and sisterinlaw con ninas and my sister juli came up from ventura and sb. plus the boys came over and we all ate pizza and had ding dong cake. it was a nice end to a very relaxing day.

then tonight on my way home from work, i was forced to check my voicemail which i had been avoiding cuz there were 13 of them. as i checked them, i heard my neice singing me happy birhtday, and my brother singing some crazy made up song, my friend selina singing our 6th grade rendition of happy birthday, my mom, and various other friends and even my boss wishing me a happy birthday.

i am blessed. i am surrounded by solid people. people who i love, and that love me.
thank you for making my birthday lovely. thanks for the voicemails, and comments and texts that made me smile. thanks.

music

2007-03-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

Come all ye, who are broken.
Come all ye, who are heavy laden.
Come all ye, who are weary, and in need...

And I will give you rest.

Come all ye, who are broken.
Come all ye, who are heavy laden.
Come all ye, who are weary,

And I will give you rest.
And I will give you rest.

Let Your deep speak now, to my deep.
In the roar, of Your waterfall.
Let Your deep, speak now, to my deep.
In the roar of Your waterfall.
Let all your waves, crash down,
Wash over me, over me.

I Kings

2007-03-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

The last couple days, maybe the last couple weeks, have been pretty intense. I am full of frustration to the point that i am unable to shake it off

Today came, as it always does, and it was eh... i started to get stressed out around 1, when i realized i still had a list as long as my arm of things to accomplish, and i had to be at work in four hours, not to mention jack was awake, which makes everything more difficult to do....

When i finally left the house after putting my love down for his nap, it was 345. which meant all i had time to do was pay bills, and go to the bank...i started to feel the squeeze. you know, the one where your breathing is more intense and your heart beat is amplified. i started feeling frustrated... SO FRUSTRATED...

this is very A-typical for me. i can usually shake this off....

i got to work about 15 minutes early. i was listening to some music and singing out my frustration...then i realized that i had a BIBLE in the back of my car. decided to crack it and see what happens... the next 15 minutes were fantastic. i began to read in I Kings 17 about Elijah, when God caused no rain to fall in Israel.

Basically God decided it wasn't gonna rain in Israel to gain the attention of or punish king Ahab. and HE used Elijah to make that happen. as soon as Elijah delivers the bad news, he basically runs off and hides. God tells him to hide by this certain brook, so he will have water, and that the ravens will bring him food. Then the brook dries up....then God says for Elijah to go AT ONCE to a new place...

i'm just saying, i was reading this and i'm thinking, how hard is it to be Elijah? he's sitting there knowing it's not gonna rain anytime soon, and he can obviously see that his little brook is drying up. BUT HE WAITS. he is patient. the Bible doesn't say that he whined to God and said, um....hello??? the brook is drying up.... it says that "THE BROOK DRIED UP BECAUSE THERE HAD BEEN NO RAIN", and then, God tells him to go "at once".

Intense.

part 2 of this is that when Elijah reached the next place God sent him, he needed some food. so he tells a widow to bring him some bread. she informs him that not only doesn't she have any bread, but also, she has only a handful of flour and oil at home. just enough in fact that she is going to go home and make her and her son one last meal before they die. (yeah, wow) Elijah tells her to do that, but first to make him a small bread, and that God will make sure her oil and flour don't run out until God causes it to rain on the land. she is obedient. and by her obedience, saves her sons life and her own life.

this is the thing. this lady's life was dry. she was tired. she was hungry. she was empty. she was prepared literally for the worst-death. her own death, and as a parent, the only thing that's worse. the death of your child. a strange man came to her, and instead of thinking about herself and her own problems, she gave. she gave out of her lack. she gave when every instinct says to self-preserve. be selfish. hold onto that last shred of what will keep you alive.

i have bread in my house. i am not hurting for food. what i don't have is energy. bounce. life. what little life and energy i have left after jack school and work, i want to preserve. i want to sleep. i want to hang on and relish every moment of quiet and alone time i can get. but when i am alone, i find myself frustrated...horribly ridiculously frustrated...

that's the key right there. when you literally have nothing in you to give, nothing in your cupboards to give, nothing left in your wallet to give, give.

the moment that i realized this, my frustration cleared. i realized that i was gonna walk into work, and give out of what i do not posses. i was gonna bust my ass and give energy and smiles that i don't have. and i did. and i walked out of there stress-free. frustration-free.

I believe that when we give to others, especially if it's something that costs us whether physically, emotionally, or time-wise, God does supernatural things on our behalf. I am at peace right now. For the first time in days. true peace. am i busy? yes. do i have more things to do than there are hours in the day? yes.

high speed car chase

2007-02-08T00:43:00.000-08:00

so tonight, i went to work, i had a lovely evening, and we got off surprisingly early. i then decided to cruise over to a friends house. i hung out with my friend for a couple hours had some excellent conversation. during my time at daniels house, i was continually getting calls from a blocked number, or a 347 number. NO ONE calls me from blocked numbers. no one except jeff. also, i don't know anyone with a 347 number, which leads me to believe this was also jeff. i was getting creeped out, and didn't want to leave daniels, so when i finally left, it was close to midnight. i asked daniel to walk me out to my car, and then told him that i had an eerie feeling. he walked me to my car, i got in and drove away.

within one minute, my cell phone rang RESTRICTED. i was texting at the time, and accidentally answered. it was jeff. he immediately started yelling at me. he began saying things to me like why are you out f---king daniel while your son is at home. you should be there with him, not his grandparents while you are out f---king around with daniel. i replied why are you out stalking me instead of being at home, and that i am tired of him following me and my friends. that my son is at his home healthy happy asleep and safe. and that if i want to hang out with friends after work that is my business and none of his concern. he responded that maybe it wasn't him that saw "daniel walk me out to my car" i realized then that he had someone watching daniels house. however ridiculous that is. i then clicked over because i was getting another call. somewhere in the middle of all this conversation i realized that there were no other cars on the road except me and a white car directly behind me. i quickly turned into a subdivision to see if this person would follow me. they did not. so i continued on my way home. again jeff called and i didn't answer. finally 3 calls later (keep in mind i live only 10 minutes from daniel) i answered the phone. he told me that it didn't look like i had been at work because i wasn't wearing my uniform while i was at daniels. (which i clearly was, i just had a sweatshirt on) i told him he should check his source because that is my work uniform.
i then asked him who is following me, who he is having take picutres of me and sneak into my backyard (yes folks, all true) as i asked him this i was turning onto the street adjacent to my own. i immediately noticed a white car, with handicap plates parked to my right. as i drove by, i noticed someone was sitting in the drivers seat. i went down flipped a quick uturn and came hauling back up the street. the car was already in process of making it's own uturn and saw me coming. he went screeching out of the street, blowing past a stop sign. i followed. we went zooming around my neighborhood, with him trying to loose me for a couple minutes. i finally decided this was not safe, and what am i gonna do when i catch him anyway? so i slowed way down (we were going at least 50 in my neighborhood) and eventually lost him.

so that ladies and gentleman, was my night. that is what i live with. welcome to my ridiculous world where i cannot have friends least my sons dad flip out and stalk me and my friends. i am so over this. i am so done and tired of this. from now on, instead of cataloging his shortcomings and stupidity secretly, i think i will tell anyone who wants to know. until now, my policy has been that i don't talk bad about him, pretty much no matter what. i try to be positive. well that's over. SO OVER. this is truth time, and what you just read is the truth. there were other parts of the conversation in there, more him swearing at me that i ommitted, but you get the basic idea....

i am now going to attempt to sleep. i bid you ado

a plain ol band for me

2007-02-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

jack is asleep. the kitchen is clean. the laundry is folded. my homework i am avoiding. the toys are picked up. dinner is made. what to do?

i think i will buy myself a ring. i think i will make a lifetime commitment to me. does that sound funny? it sounds kinda funny in my head.

yep. i am gonna buy myself a wedding ring. *WHOA!* can she do that? i think i can, and i shall.

it's time to make a commitment to me. to invest in me. to commit myself to solitary. at least for now. happy valentines day to me!

bath time

2006-11-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

bath time is perhaps my favorite time of day....

jack is in this phase right now where he is absolutely obsessed with the water that comes out of the faucet. he likes to put his cup underneath it, until it is so full and heavy that he drops it. he then picks it back up, fills it back up, and tries to drink about 16oz of water all at once...which causes him to choke a little bit, and then he starts the cycle all over again....

at some point i will turn the water off, and he will continue to hold his hand or a toy under the spigot, until he realizes there is no more water...recently he has been attempting to understand why the water stops, so he puts his finger up inside the faucet. then, when nothing happens, he will put his whole face under it, and stare, trying to figure out how he can make more water magically appear....

he is so cute it's ridiculous. i want to kiss him all the time. his face gets all rosy, and once he is done with his bath, he insists on "up" we then brush his teeth and by we, i mostly mean him, as he insists on doing it himself...stubborn firstborn man-child....

i love bath time.

rascal

2006-11-22T21:22:00.000-08:00

do i cry, in the night?
do i long, to hold you tight?
do i wake, wanting you?
yes i do.
do i recall, everyday
how you took, my breath away,
do i remember, loving you,
yes i do.

yes i do dream of all we had together,
yes it's true we lost it all forever,
do i pray, anyway?
yes i do.

well i don't live, in the past
mourning love, that wouldn't last
well i don't ache, like i used to,
yes i do.

--rascal flatts

disturbed

2006-11-20T16:07:00.000-08:00

you are a liar. you decieve. and i almost fell for it again. i almost felt for it again. again. i convinced myself once, only to be proven a fool. you are liar. you decieve. not me though, i won't be lied to again. i know who you really are. i know what you are really about, and a hundred "meetings" wont change that. i wish i never had to see your face again.

good times

2006-11-01T17:31:00.000-08:00

i am at a loss....i am being asked to go back there. that sacrificing place where i lost myself last time...deep desires have been stirred, and GOD is saying "I am not through with you yet little girl, I have more for you" and i am scared and i am hesitant, and i am thrilled. i got it wrong last time....way wrong. my priorities were skewed, my mind was wrong, i had no concept of myself and i thought by losing myself in everyone else i could be effective...

"'in using our anger as a guide to determining our innermost needs, values and priorities, we should not be distressed if we discover just how unclear we are. If we feel chronically angry or bitter in an important relationship, this is a signal that too much of the self has been compromised.'"

i was so angry, for so long.
i was so angry that i became silent. i couldn't even put together that i was angry...so i hurt others so i wouldn't have to examine my hurt. john i pushed you so hard, and i have no excuse for my behavior. the way i was is inexcusible, and i am deeply sorry. i was so angry and i didn't know why. and good christian girls can't admit that they are angry. by the time we were done, i was so angry with GOD that i couldn't talk to Him and i couldn't talk to you, nor could i talk to anyone else. i felt that God was the one who told me to marry you, and why would He do that when He knew we would be miserable...past miserable. so i got cold. i got cold with you and i did the same to God. i put distance between us, and the same to God.

...this time will be different. I am being shown layer by layer who i really am. some of it is ugly and horrid, and some things are a pleasant discovery. this time i am not 18 years old and scared to be someone that might offend someone. this time i will be who i was created to be. this time i am starting with myself, and once i have been disassembled and reassembled, i will be strong, i will be the real me, the truest version of myself.

nausea

2006-10-31T16:13:00.000-08:00

i think i might be sick. i am changing. dreams that i thought were
long gone are being stirred in me (thanks to Ann and Eva).
change is hard. even thinking about change is hard. uh. this place of
introspect is so uncomfortable. uh. more later.

quotes

2006-09-17T23:16:00.000-07:00

"and the day came when the risk [it took] to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" --Anais Nin

"to dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had [sic] rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet." --Charles Caleb Colton

whore

2006-09-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

tonight after work, i went and got some food with some friends. during the course of our conversation, a comment was made in my direction about being a whore...now let me clarify, becuase if people who are not close friends of mine read this, that might seem harsh, but in our little circle we all call each other whores all the time, and it has no meaning...however, tonight, there were many conversations going at once, and when one friend called me a whore in a specific context, another friend was quick to jump to my defense. "just because she has a baby doesn't mean she is a whore" is what my friends rebuttal was. now normally, being called a whore is very close to a term of endearment, but the surrounding conversation, plus my other friends response, made it a bigger deal...all of the sudden i found myself to be VERY VERY emotional. i was on the brink of tears. i asked if we could please not do this, and can someone please change the subject before i start crying. while i was saying this i was laughing, but kindof in an "i am laughing as i struggle not to just loose it right now" kinda way. i know that my friend was not truly degrading me. i know he loves me, and there is a good possibility that he loves jack even more than he loves me :) but nevertheless, i instantly felt illigitimately pregnant, and trashy (again).

i remember when i first started telling people i was pregnant. i was probably about 3 months along before most of my family, and my closest friends found out. about 2 days after i told one of my lifelong friends, she made a comment to me *jokingly* about her mom asking if she could *jokingly* call me a slut, or something along those lines. at the time i of course laughed it off and said, hey, she can say whatever. but really i felt the same way then as i did tonight for a brief moment in time. again, i know that these people genuinely love and care about me, and would never have said these things if they knew i would take them to heart like that...

sometimes things hit our armour. sometimes when i get ready to go somewhere, and i am putting on makeup, i think of it as armour, or a sheild of some sort. if i have my mask on, people can't know what i am thinking, they can't penetrate and hurt me. when things hit me while i have my armour on, no big deal, i can laugh it off, and nothing effects me (affects me?) however, there are those rare moments, when my defenses are down, and i am relaxed, and all the sudden i get sucker punched, and suddenly i find myself dirty again. i find myself shamed. i find myself wanting to hide, like i did for so long. my immediate response to that whole situation was to run. i almost got up, and ran to the bathroom and cried. i didn't because i didn't want to cause more of a scene, and make it more of a big deal.

i hid for a long long time. i hid while john and i were in crisis, and then counselling. i hid when i knew it was over, but couldn't make myself say it out loud. i hid when it became public knowledge that yes, we were splitting up. during all this hiding, i got pregnant, which led to more hiding. i had jack, and hid for a little while longer. i am sick to death of running and hiding. i hate that i allow other people to make me feel small. i hate that i am such a pleaser that i would rather not make someone feel awkward when i respond truthfully, so i hide and i run and i lie.

i am full

2006-07-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

last night, i had an obscenely bad migraine...the kind that makes you wish you were dead...yeah, that bad...typically, i can deal with the pain, or at least sleep it off...but last night, i went to bed to try to sleep it off, and it got worse...till i woke up at 4am in excruciating pain...i laid there just wishing it would go away. because that works so often):) at the stage of migraine that i had, nothing really seems to help, with the sole exception of a deep hard massage. however, i have no man, so i had no one to call...so i ended up waking up my mom, and asking her to rub my neck and shoulder...she massaged me as hard as she possible could, and i couldn't even feel it...

anyways, i eventually went back to bed, at which point jack immediately woke up... ahh i swear i learn new reasons everyday why God says no sex before marriage :) jacks dad came and played with him for awhile, then my family took him so i could sleep it off for a while. i got up, hung out with jack, then got ready for work.

during this time, one of my close friends was texting me, and found out that i had a migraine, and asked if he could come watch jack for me...

how blessed am i? i am surrounded by my family, and friends, who not only genuinely love me, but also jack...how is it possible that i have been placed in an environment where people genuinely care about my well being and what goes on in my life? i am sitting here typing this, with an amazing feeling of bliss. i am young, loved, strong, and blessed. My life is full. Thank you God.

piles

2006-06-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

so i am a piler...not a pillar, a piler, as in i tend to make piles...my room consists of piles, my car consists of piles, and i consist of piles...which i am pretty sure makes me a piler.
i was thinking the other day about life and how long it has been since i was single, and the fact that basically i was probably 18 the last time i was single, and i was thinking, no wonder. no wonder i am mixed up and jacked up and hurt...no wonder i still can't get over a marriage that ended what 2 years ago? no wonder i can't be in a healthy relationship...my life is like my room..i can't even begin to get to the bottom my pile until i get through the top of my pile. i bury and bury and add and add, until the bottom and what lies there is a distant and clouded memory, and so i stick to the top, where things are new and fresh, and not smelly or old.

realistically, i should have dealt with john and whatever else was before him first, and then started with jeff, but i didn't, i piled...and the higher i piled, the number i got...and the number i got, the worse my memory became, until now i sit here looking at my life, my pile, and i can't see the end from the beginning, it kindof all just runs together...

how do i get through this pile? there will be sorting and cleaning and disinfecting, and washing, and throwing things away, and things that i will find that are precious to me that i had completely forgotten about...but in the end, i hope to have no more piles. i hope to be pile free...just to be free...

stopped cold

2006-05-17T01:42:00.000-07:00

why do i think of him? i am fine, i don't dwell on or live in the past, and the things that you would think would remind me of him (which essentially reminds me of my failures) don't phase me a bit. maybe they taint me, but they don't stop me. and then, suddenly something as basic as eating ice cream brings it all back, and in an instant, i can see him, eating ice cream in that certain way he did. it annoyed me so much then. now it stops me in the middle of a busy shift. i wonder if i will ever stop thinking of him. not that i think of him often, but i think maybe it's more often than i should?
i pray for him when i think of him. i pray for me when i think of him.
i feel so responisble for bringing tradgedy to his life. i feel so heavy when i think of him. sometimes i can blow it off and not be moved, but tonight i was stopped cold.

inn and out

2006-05-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

so tonight, earlier i was in the drive-through at in-and-out, and a car pulled up behind me and i started to watch them. the mom was driving, and either on drugs such as meth, or just really irritated...difficult to say. the dad looked like he had zoned out a long time previous, and while he was in the car, he didn't seem very active. as i was watching this woman get more and more frustrated, (all the while fiercly chewing her gum and frantically using her hands) while she was trying to order, she kept shushing her kids. as i contiuned watching, she reached into the backseet and began to slap one of the kids. i could see the other child, most likely somewhere between ages 9 and 12 cry and yell for her mom to stop. i sat there feeling like crap. what should i do? go confront her? not so much with jack in the car. do i call the cops? i had no liscense plate number, and most likely, her kids would rather be with her than think of the possibility of being taken away, plus the whole if we tell on our mom, she might hurt us worse thing. and really, even if i call the cops, what are they gonna do? i have no name, no address, no information other than what type of car she drove and that she had a deformed left hand. so i started to pray for the family. i realized there was nothing more i could do than to pray that God would meet this family. about 2 minutes later (their drive-through takes for flipping ever) a thought hit me. i can do something. i can attempt to bring down their stress level. i can buy their dinner. i debated it in my head for a moment, thinking i didn't want to offend them, or have this woman try and come up to my car and starting drama, but in the end i decided that this is what i was supposed to do, and what i could do.

i hate feeling helpless. i hate it that those kids are growing up in a home where kids get slapped. i hate that even if they had been dead center infront of a police oficer, most likely the mom would have been issued a verbal warning, because slapping your child is "not that big of a deal"...

God i don't want to burry my head in the sand. help me to see the people around me. help me to hear Your voice and obey when You speak to me. please spare jack from that. may he NEVER see that in me or jeff. teach me to be patient, and soft. pull the harshness out of me and replace it with a fresh view of life, and a new excitment and whatever the opposite of cynicism is.

spiders

2006-05-01T01:46:00.000-07:00

I am a spider killing machine. in the last week, i have killed four spiders. i hate them. they walk around all arrogant, daring you to do something about it. the way their bodies look, all scratchy and hairy, and dark. the fact that although i can't see their vicious teeth, i know they are there...uhh...
most of the time, i leave the glory of the kill for the menfolk, but recently, i have been doing it myself.
but really, if you were among the most hated creatures on the planet, would you walk around in broad daylight, daring people to swipe at you?

Ever?

2006-04-23T02:15:00.000-07:00

do you ever start to feel sorry for yourself? i don't typically allow myself to do the whole, my life would be different if...thing. but sometimes, the whole, how am i supposed to support me and jack and get a career that fits around being a mommy and raise him and etc etc etc floods my mind, and i go a little crazy. tonight i was on jared's blog, and there is a friend of his that is a widow...i read her blog whenever i get a chance. this woman is what, in her later 20s, maybe early 30s max, and her husband, is gone. so she is left with her and her four year old son, who is still struggling to understand why daddy is gone. i read her blogs, about how much she loves her son, and just what she goes through daily. (and please understand, she is NEVER whining, or trying to make people feel sorry for her), and i think about how i whine about the little things. i weep as i read her blog. she had a marriage, and a man that she loved in a passionate, complete way, a marriage she enjoyed, and it's gone. how ___ is it that her marriage, happy and healthy is ended too quickly, and those of us with failed marriages, are both still living, but can't/won't make it work...God i would ask for Your favor on her household, that where there is sorrow, that you would exchange it for peace, where there are tears, you would bring hope, where their is lack, you would bring much, that you would surrond this household, the household that your faithful live in. God she has refused to curse you, although the love of her life be taken away. would you bring increase to her and her son, for her faithfulness...God someday that her example in love and in perseverence would be seen...would you meet with her, and sing over her in the night hours, would you breathe on her creativity and wisdom. would you refresh her and give her rest. would you father her son, and teach him discipline. would you walk before him and show him the way he should go. God she has sought you and blessed you first, while others would have cursed you. would you cause even the same blessing of job to fall on this woman and her house.

Burnt

2006-04-23T02:11:00.000-07:00

when i was married, i wore a wedding ring (DUH) i was waiting tables, and got some sort of rash or skin irritation or something, anyway, the dr told me to keep it dry *the ring, and my finger* and clean, and let it breathe...but still, it got to the point where just putting my ring on,would make my skin feel like it was burning...now, however much time has past, & i got out of the shower the other day, and was putting on lotion, and noticed i still have a red line or almost ring on my finger...how is that possible? I haven't worn that ring in what, almost 2 years? but it's interesting to me, because i thought i was totally closed and wrapped up, and sealed, and finished with that entire part of my life, and everything was all scarred over, and good to go, but it turns out, i bear the burn of that time not only inside me, but outside also...i still find myself rubbing my finger with my thumb the way i used to when my ring would turn itself on my hand and i would have to fix it. i feel so free not to be wearing it anymore, but i also feel burned...

you know what's funny about God? you will be going along, pretty content with your relationship with Him, thinkin you are doing well, no big issues, kinda on cruise control, and then WHAM!! out of nowhere, you hit the largest, bloodiest, most gory deer in the road that completely totals your car, and makes you stop...and you suddenly realize, if i don't fix this car, i will LITTERALLY never be able to go anywhere, not only that, but if i don't get this fixed, i will never have the ability or privilege to take anyone else anywhere...it's kinda funny, because it's never this beautiful moment where angles chime in, and God speaks to you while you are all glammed up on your way to wherever, it started for me when i was in the shower, and for the first time since john actually seriously thought about marriage in a capacity that would involve me, and i about died...it was at that moment, with mascara running down my face, and wet hair that i realized, oh crap, i think i just totaled my car....

My First Post

2006-04-23T02:08:00.000-07:00

so i have never blogged before, mostly because i don't have many things that i feel are important to say, or if they are, i don't feel like i can expose myself while other people read. plus my life mostly consists of vommit, and diaper changes, and other vastly captivating baby oriented things. however, tonight something happened that i feel like writing about. i went to this benefit thing. now before i went, i realized that there was a distinct possibility that i would run into people that i haven't seen (in about a year and a halfish) on purpose, because the events of my life in the last 2 years have been completely insane. what i didn't realize was that EVERY person that gives me the desire to run screaming out of a room would be there. (please understand, i don't run screaming because i hate them, or dislike them or hold any ill will toward them, it's just that i let them down, and made some foolish decisions, and would rather not deal with the a. judgement b. sympathy c.apologies d.the unknown)....so i see these people, and quickly went and sat at my own table. i tried not to look in their direction, but it just so happens that i had to walk within about 2 inches of them twice...yeah...good times...i was shaking. literally shaking...trembling...as in, physically walking and having to concentrate on making it to where i was goin...i pretended not to see them, and they pretended not to see me. i guess it worked out for everyone. the question is should i have confronted my "fear"? should i have looked those people in the face and said, i'm over it, its over, i can't go back and undo those things those times those actions...or, should i have grovelled or apologized? i almost felt like i could just go somewhere and weep. it's interesting because lately, God has been bringing up my past in such intense and confrontational ways, that i cannot deny or get around the fact that He is working something out in me. on one hand, i still feel like a small child being punished, and in another way, i feel like a grown woman, fighting for her child, and validation...when i get embarassed, i feel almost ashamed, because although yes, i did some foolish things, but dammit, i am proud of and so blessed to have my son, and be where i am in my life. is it what i would have written in a story book if i could write my life? not a chance. but is God meeting me here, and has He redeemed what was meant to be my destruction? absolutely.