i heart sushi
so two days ago, i got to have lunch with my big brother. my brother has been my hero pretty much since i was born. there is no one who can make me feel stronger, no one who i fight to measure up to more than him. because of that, there have been times where i have gotten quiet with him. i don't like failing, and when i fail, i SO don't like doing it in front of those whom i wish to impress. my brother has never made me feel like a failure, even at times where CLEARLY i have blown it...like way way blown it. he has constantly been loving and reassuring, and supportive.
we had lots to talk about at lunch. i am trying out a new thing called honesty, and had much to say. as always, my brother surprised the hell out of me. i went expecting certain questions, certain concerns, and i heard none of them. what i heard was my big brother finding things in me that i didn't even know existed. one of the major things that he had to say was that i feel like my judgment is invalid, or worthless, because i have made some less than great calls in the past. which is totally true. this is why i keep my secrets, this is why i don't bring guys around, this is why i don't fight for myself. Because i feel like i have made myself look like a joke enough times to invalidate anything i feel or believe.
what's a trip is i never thought about it like that before, but he is 100 percent correct. because of the fact that i have not made great life choices, and my decision making skills have sucked in the past, i live my life in a way that only i will know about my failures. to some people this may not seem like that big of a revelation, but this realization rocked me to my core. the fact that someone i respect and admire more than just about anyone was sitting across the table from me and telling me that my opinions and feelings are valid, and important, and that i am no different than him or my sister... that was huge.
so thank you jared, for lunch. thanks for sushi. thanks for the sapporo. thanks for making me feel like i am allowed to believe in myself. like i am allowed to be happy. i love you bra.
we had lots to talk about at lunch. i am trying out a new thing called honesty, and had much to say. as always, my brother surprised the hell out of me. i went expecting certain questions, certain concerns, and i heard none of them. what i heard was my big brother finding things in me that i didn't even know existed. one of the major things that he had to say was that i feel like my judgment is invalid, or worthless, because i have made some less than great calls in the past. which is totally true. this is why i keep my secrets, this is why i don't bring guys around, this is why i don't fight for myself. Because i feel like i have made myself look like a joke enough times to invalidate anything i feel or believe.
what's a trip is i never thought about it like that before, but he is 100 percent correct. because of the fact that i have not made great life choices, and my decision making skills have sucked in the past, i live my life in a way that only i will know about my failures. to some people this may not seem like that big of a revelation, but this realization rocked me to my core. the fact that someone i respect and admire more than just about anyone was sitting across the table from me and telling me that my opinions and feelings are valid, and important, and that i am no different than him or my sister... that was huge.
so thank you jared, for lunch. thanks for sushi. thanks for the sapporo. thanks for making me feel like i am allowed to believe in myself. like i am allowed to be happy. i love you bra.
This entry was posted by .: Amanda :.
on Thursday, July 05, 2007 at 2:36 PM.
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