piles
so i am a piler...not a pillar, a piler, as in i tend to make piles...my room consists of piles, my car consists of piles, and i consist of piles...which i am pretty sure makes me a piler.
i was thinking the other day about life and how long it has been since i was single, and the fact that basically i was probably 18 the last time i was single, and i was thinking, no wonder. no wonder i am mixed up and jacked up and hurt...no wonder i still can't get over a marriage that ended what 2 years ago? no wonder i can't be in a healthy relationship...my life is like my room..i can't even begin to get to the bottom my pile until i get through the top of my pile. i bury and bury and add and add, until the bottom and what lies there is a distant and clouded memory, and so i stick to the top, where things are new and fresh, and not smelly or old.
realistically, i should have dealt with john and whatever else was before him first, and then started with jeff, but i didn't, i piled...and the higher i piled, the number i got...and the number i got, the worse my memory became, until now i sit here looking at my life, my pile, and i can't see the end from the beginning, it kindof all just runs together...
how do i get through this pile? there will be sorting and cleaning and disinfecting, and washing, and throwing things away, and things that i will find that are precious to me that i had completely forgotten about...but in the end, i hope to have no more piles. i hope to be pile free...just to be free...
i was thinking the other day about life and how long it has been since i was single, and the fact that basically i was probably 18 the last time i was single, and i was thinking, no wonder. no wonder i am mixed up and jacked up and hurt...no wonder i still can't get over a marriage that ended what 2 years ago? no wonder i can't be in a healthy relationship...my life is like my room..i can't even begin to get to the bottom my pile until i get through the top of my pile. i bury and bury and add and add, until the bottom and what lies there is a distant and clouded memory, and so i stick to the top, where things are new and fresh, and not smelly or old.
realistically, i should have dealt with john and whatever else was before him first, and then started with jeff, but i didn't, i piled...and the higher i piled, the number i got...and the number i got, the worse my memory became, until now i sit here looking at my life, my pile, and i can't see the end from the beginning, it kindof all just runs together...
how do i get through this pile? there will be sorting and cleaning and disinfecting, and washing, and throwing things away, and things that i will find that are precious to me that i had completely forgotten about...but in the end, i hope to have no more piles. i hope to be pile free...just to be free...
This entry was posted by .: Amanda :.
on Friday, June 23, 2006 at 4:12 PM.
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Wow....this speaks volumes to me. It seems like you can see what I'm going through, and yet you dont even know! I too, like you have many piles. I dont even know where to begin sorting, ..so I havent...and thus the pile grows and grows. I get deeper into the mess I've created and dont know which way is up.
The last time I was single...huh. I've been married since I was 18..and dated since 14...so it's been about 10 years. I never would have dreamed that would impact my life this much...to cause me to do things I never imagined myself doing.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
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