good times
i am at a loss....i am being asked to go back there. that sacrificing place where i lost myself last time...deep desires have been stirred, and GOD is saying "I am not through with you yet little girl, I have more for you" and i am scared and i am hesitant, and i am thrilled. i got it wrong last time....way wrong. my priorities were skewed, my mind was wrong, i had no concept of myself and i thought by losing myself in everyone else i could be effective...
"'in using our anger as a guide to determining our innermost needs, values and priorities, we should not be distressed if we discover just how unclear we are. If we feel chronically angry or bitter in an important relationship, this is a signal that too much of the self has been compromised.'"
i was so angry, for so long.
i was so angry that i became silent. i couldn't even put together that i was angry...so i hurt others so i wouldn't have to examine my hurt. john i pushed you so hard, and i have no excuse for my behavior. the way i was is inexcusible, and i am deeply sorry. i was so angry and i didn't know why. and good christian girls can't admit that they are angry. by the time we were done, i was so angry with GOD that i couldn't talk to Him and i couldn't talk to you, nor could i talk to anyone else. i felt that God was the one who told me to marry you, and why would He do that when He knew we would be miserable...past miserable. so i got cold. i got cold with you and i did the same to God. i put distance between us, and the same to God.
...this time will be different. I am being shown layer by layer who i really am. some of it is ugly and horrid, and some things are a pleasant discovery. this time i am not 18 years old and scared to be someone that might offend someone. this time i will be who i was created to be. this time i am starting with myself, and once i have been disassembled and reassembled, i will be strong, i will be the real me, the truest version of myself.
"'in using our anger as a guide to determining our innermost needs, values and priorities, we should not be distressed if we discover just how unclear we are. If we feel chronically angry or bitter in an important relationship, this is a signal that too much of the self has been compromised.'"
i was so angry, for so long.
i was so angry that i became silent. i couldn't even put together that i was angry...so i hurt others so i wouldn't have to examine my hurt. john i pushed you so hard, and i have no excuse for my behavior. the way i was is inexcusible, and i am deeply sorry. i was so angry and i didn't know why. and good christian girls can't admit that they are angry. by the time we were done, i was so angry with GOD that i couldn't talk to Him and i couldn't talk to you, nor could i talk to anyone else. i felt that God was the one who told me to marry you, and why would He do that when He knew we would be miserable...past miserable. so i got cold. i got cold with you and i did the same to God. i put distance between us, and the same to God.
...this time will be different. I am being shown layer by layer who i really am. some of it is ugly and horrid, and some things are a pleasant discovery. this time i am not 18 years old and scared to be someone that might offend someone. this time i will be who i was created to be. this time i am starting with myself, and once i have been disassembled and reassembled, i will be strong, i will be the real me, the truest version of myself.
This entry was posted by .: Amanda :.
on Wednesday, November 01, 2006 at 5:31 PM.
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