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so many thoughts swirl in my head. it is difficult to pick a place to even start. often lately i cannot help but to think of how blessed i am to have you. to be near you. to be loved by you. the other day in church the pastor was talking about how some of us know exactly where God has pulled us from. i am easily one of those people. i was in the deepest darkest hole before i reached out and "returned His kiss". i could never have imagined 7 years ago where i would be today.
i have been through many phases in my life. i have made some excellent decisions and some decisions that i can only shake my head at in complete wonderment. i am so thankful for what i have come through. i am thankful that i didn't walk alone, even in those times when i felt like i was the only one who knew how dark my life was. i am blessed to have lived through the teen marriage, grown up divorce, and illegitimate pregnancy of the last 7 years. i was bruised, marked, burned, stamped, named, killed, and re-born. i have been alternately dutiful, numb, burdened, embarrassed, ashamed, exhausted, elated, and proud.
i know where i have come from. i know the list of cons against me. i remember how it felt to be alone. to be shameful. i know how the darkness was. i remember the numb, floating, merely existing version of myself.
the old amanda--the naive, depressed, lost, numb amanda is gone. she has been replaced by the woman i have chosen to become. the woman i have healed to become. i could not have become who i currently am without a few key things. firstly, grace. you have no idea how important this unconditional and freely given grace is until it is the only thing you can cling to in life. secondly, jack. jack is what grounds me. he makes me consider who i want to be, and what legacy i want to leave.
for so long, my history controlled my future. my fears and previous experiences crippled me, and i allowed it. but i am proud to say, no more. i am incredibly happy today, and i am perfectly okay with that. it almost sounds strange to say, but for a long time i felt as though i didn't deserve to be happy.
now-a-days, i am almost too happy. lol. these are the things rolling around in my mind right this second:
i wonder if we would've had the same reaction to each other if we had met when i was young. i love that we were friends first. i can't believe we met at work. (is this cliche??) you are so smart. you are so levelheaded, and by nature you are incredibly calm. i love how intuitive you are, even though you call me out on shit i'm not ready to talk about sometimes. i love your honesty. i always know where i stand with you, and the tpoint of view that you bring is dead on (most of the time:). i fell in love with you so damn fast. that love was like getting hit by a truck. i had never experienced anything like that. especially coming from the viewpoint that i had at that time. it knocked me for a loop. that love has deepened and sweetened and grown over the last year and a halfish. i am in love with you, and i love you, and i wasn't sure i would ever be able to say that.
i have been through many phases in my life. i have made some excellent decisions and some decisions that i can only shake my head at in complete wonderment. i am so thankful for what i have come through. i am thankful that i didn't walk alone, even in those times when i felt like i was the only one who knew how dark my life was. i am blessed to have lived through the teen marriage, grown up divorce, and illegitimate pregnancy of the last 7 years. i was bruised, marked, burned, stamped, named, killed, and re-born. i have been alternately dutiful, numb, burdened, embarrassed, ashamed, exhausted, elated, and proud.
i know where i have come from. i know the list of cons against me. i remember how it felt to be alone. to be shameful. i know how the darkness was. i remember the numb, floating, merely existing version of myself.
the old amanda--the naive, depressed, lost, numb amanda is gone. she has been replaced by the woman i have chosen to become. the woman i have healed to become. i could not have become who i currently am without a few key things. firstly, grace. you have no idea how important this unconditional and freely given grace is until it is the only thing you can cling to in life. secondly, jack. jack is what grounds me. he makes me consider who i want to be, and what legacy i want to leave.
for so long, my history controlled my future. my fears and previous experiences crippled me, and i allowed it. but i am proud to say, no more. i am incredibly happy today, and i am perfectly okay with that. it almost sounds strange to say, but for a long time i felt as though i didn't deserve to be happy.
now-a-days, i am almost too happy. lol. these are the things rolling around in my mind right this second:
i wonder if we would've had the same reaction to each other if we had met when i was young. i love that we were friends first. i can't believe we met at work. (is this cliche??) you are so smart. you are so levelheaded, and by nature you are incredibly calm. i love how intuitive you are, even though you call me out on shit i'm not ready to talk about sometimes. i love your honesty. i always know where i stand with you, and the tpoint of view that you bring is dead on (most of the time:). i fell in love with you so damn fast. that love was like getting hit by a truck. i had never experienced anything like that. especially coming from the viewpoint that i had at that time. it knocked me for a loop. that love has deepened and sweetened and grown over the last year and a halfish. i am in love with you, and i love you, and i wasn't sure i would ever be able to say that.
This entry was posted by .: Amanda :.
on Sunday, November 16, 2008 at 9:41 PM.
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Ok. So, if I'm crying, that means he did too, most def. You have no idea, just how happy I am, to read what you have written. I have wanted you to be so happy, for so long. You deserve this love, you deserve him, and he deserves you. Most of all, Jack deserves you both together, as one. What you two have together is almost like a fairytale. How you met, how fast it happened, and how you just KNEW, blows my mind, but also makes me have faith that the "fairytale" romance is truely a possibility. The fact that you also know that, accept that, and want that, makes me want to weep for you, because honestly, when I first met you, I thought you were destined to live your life solo (with the exception of Jack) and not ALLOW yourself to open up, to love, to want to be loved. It made so incredibly sad, to see you, to hear you, say you will never marry again, that you wouldn't wish that on anyone. But you changed, you grew up, you matured. Most of all, you've accepted. You have found a man, who in my eyes, is pretty damn close to perfect. A man that loves you more than I thought a human being could love another. He loves your son with such a deep passion, the love that a natural born father would. That in itself, is such an amazing blessing. Your life has had many ups and downs. You've had good days, and a fair share of bad ones, that's for sure. But look at you now verses two years ago. You want to be loved, loved they way you are now. Loved in a way that will never stop, will never fault. Saying you are blessed is so much of an understatement. Fortunate. Fortunate in so many, many ways. Your guys' love is a love that many, including myself, and just about any normal human being, envy. Cherish it always my dear. I love all 3 of you, and I've never been more happier for anyone, than I am for you three. You will make an unbelieveable family together.
Just digging through old memories. Love you Amanda. So much.
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