jonesing
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
lately i have an appetite i cannot fill. i am jumpy, i am impatient, i am a mess some days. the other day, i was driving, and i was jonesing so bad that while i was driving, i found myself clicking on and off my seatbelt, rolling my window up and down, and changing the radio station a million times. i finally got out of my car, i slammed my door and literally ran into the house. that is where i got my fix.
i walked into my house and i yelled, where's my baby!? immediately, i hear, "mommy's home!!!" jack came running over to me, and grabbed onto me and hugged me and continued to say mommy's home mommy's home a million more times. i was instantly soothed.
i miss out on so much with him(yep this is a pity party lol). between school and work and my need to study so i can pass school, i swear some days i only get to see him for four hours. when i am not near him, like when a big test, or speech or paper is due, i crave him. days that i have an entire free day seem to be ever interrupted. by obligations that come with him, or my own schedule or whatever else. the other day, jack got to spend some time with his cousins. he loves those little girls SO SO SO much! he had a blast, and it was great for him. still, while i was shopping and he was hanging out with his cousins, there was just this looming, ever impending sense of guilt over having a free afternoon and not spending every second with him. i was shopping for moms birthday which was awesome and fun and necessary but still i felt like i was short changing jack.
as soon as we were done shopping i took off for jared and ginas. i took the wrong exit and accidentally took a mini detour. i started jonesing again. i was shifting in my chair, and just wanted to scream at myself for the 5 minute delay i had created. the funny thing is once i arrived, jack could've cared less. lol. i got "mommy's here!" and a kiss, then he went directly back to playing outside with his cousins. which is great. i wish we lived closer and that he got to play with the girls more often.
i wonder sometimes if i need him more than he needs me. i know he misses me while i'm at school and work. i sure miss the hell out of him. i do not want him to be a mamas boy, but i feel like he is. i let him fall and calmly tell him to get up. i let him run and play at the park without hovering every second. i let him play by himself and don't require that he be leashed to me all the time. however, when i am home, he is on me. we start with a long hug and maybe sit together for a couple minutes. he cannot do much without my help or approval at this stage in life. uh. the growing frustrations of parenthood.
bottom line, i am guilty of spending too much time away from my son. i feel that guilt, and it is cemented into my soul when i tell him i have to go to work or school and i see that look on his face. i wonder if men feel this way? you know the dad that goes to work every morning. i wonder if when he kisses his kids goodbye he feels shitty for leaving. i doubt it. that man knows his responsibility is to provide for that child. my responsibilities are different than that. mine involve being a mother a student and an employee. the first i do out of love and pleasure. the second i do because i want to be able to be the best mother i can be. and the third i do because i need to work to pay bills. (i love the hp don't get me wrong:) i am conflicted on every level. i am constantly giving myself the "greater good" speech.
i know that i am pretty much doing all that i can do in this moment. however, that knowledge does not absolve me of my guilt. that knowledge doesn't change the look on jack's face or the tone of his argument when i announce that i have to leave. does he hurt half as bad as i do when we are separated? God forbid.
i walked into my house and i yelled, where's my baby!? immediately, i hear, "mommy's home!!!" jack came running over to me, and grabbed onto me and hugged me and continued to say mommy's home mommy's home a million more times. i was instantly soothed.
i miss out on so much with him(yep this is a pity party lol). between school and work and my need to study so i can pass school, i swear some days i only get to see him for four hours. when i am not near him, like when a big test, or speech or paper is due, i crave him. days that i have an entire free day seem to be ever interrupted. by obligations that come with him, or my own schedule or whatever else. the other day, jack got to spend some time with his cousins. he loves those little girls SO SO SO much! he had a blast, and it was great for him. still, while i was shopping and he was hanging out with his cousins, there was just this looming, ever impending sense of guilt over having a free afternoon and not spending every second with him. i was shopping for moms birthday which was awesome and fun and necessary but still i felt like i was short changing jack.
as soon as we were done shopping i took off for jared and ginas. i took the wrong exit and accidentally took a mini detour. i started jonesing again. i was shifting in my chair, and just wanted to scream at myself for the 5 minute delay i had created. the funny thing is once i arrived, jack could've cared less. lol. i got "mommy's here!" and a kiss, then he went directly back to playing outside with his cousins. which is great. i wish we lived closer and that he got to play with the girls more often.
i wonder sometimes if i need him more than he needs me. i know he misses me while i'm at school and work. i sure miss the hell out of him. i do not want him to be a mamas boy, but i feel like he is. i let him fall and calmly tell him to get up. i let him run and play at the park without hovering every second. i let him play by himself and don't require that he be leashed to me all the time. however, when i am home, he is on me. we start with a long hug and maybe sit together for a couple minutes. he cannot do much without my help or approval at this stage in life. uh. the growing frustrations of parenthood.
bottom line, i am guilty of spending too much time away from my son. i feel that guilt, and it is cemented into my soul when i tell him i have to go to work or school and i see that look on his face. i wonder if men feel this way? you know the dad that goes to work every morning. i wonder if when he kisses his kids goodbye he feels shitty for leaving. i doubt it. that man knows his responsibility is to provide for that child. my responsibilities are different than that. mine involve being a mother a student and an employee. the first i do out of love and pleasure. the second i do because i want to be able to be the best mother i can be. and the third i do because i need to work to pay bills. (i love the hp don't get me wrong:) i am conflicted on every level. i am constantly giving myself the "greater good" speech.
i know that i am pretty much doing all that i can do in this moment. however, that knowledge does not absolve me of my guilt. that knowledge doesn't change the look on jack's face or the tone of his argument when i announce that i have to leave. does he hurt half as bad as i do when we are separated? God forbid.
