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Ever?

Sunday, April 23, 2006
do you ever start to feel sorry for yourself? i don't typically allow myself to do the whole, my life would be different if...thing. but sometimes, the whole, how am i supposed to support me and jack and get a career that fits around being a mommy and raise him and etc etc etc floods my mind, and i go a little crazy. tonight i was on jared's blog, and there is a friend of his that is a widow...i read her blog whenever i get a chance. this woman is what, in her later 20s, maybe early 30s max, and her husband, is gone. so she is left with her and her four year old son, who is still struggling to understand why daddy is gone. i read her blogs, about how much she loves her son, and just what she goes through daily. (and please understand, she is NEVER whining, or trying to make people feel sorry for her), and i think about how i whine about the little things. i weep as i read her blog. she had a marriage, and a man that she loved in a passionate, complete way, a marriage she enjoyed, and it's gone. how ___ is it that her marriage, happy and healthy is ended too quickly, and those of us with failed marriages, are both still living, but can't/won't make it work...God i would ask for Your favor on her household, that where there is sorrow, that you would exchange it for peace, where there are tears, you would bring hope, where their is lack, you would bring much, that you would surrond this household, the household that your faithful live in. God she has refused to curse you, although the love of her life be taken away. would you bring increase to her and her son, for her faithfulness...God someday that her example in love and in perseverence would be seen...would you meet with her, and sing over her in the night hours, would you breathe on her creativity and wisdom. would you refresh her and give her rest. would you father her son, and teach him discipline. would you walk before him and show him the way he should go. God she has sought you and blessed you first, while others would have cursed you. would you cause even the same blessing of job to fall on this woman and her house.

Burnt

when i was married, i wore a wedding ring (DUH) i was waiting tables, and got some sort of rash or skin irritation or something, anyway, the dr told me to keep it dry *the ring, and my finger* and clean, and let it breathe...but still, it got to the point where just putting my ring on,would make my skin feel like it was burning...now, however much time has past, & i got out of the shower the other day, and was putting on lotion, and noticed i still have a red line or almost ring on my finger...how is that possible? I haven't worn that ring in what, almost 2 years? but it's interesting to me, because i thought i was totally closed and wrapped up, and sealed, and finished with that entire part of my life, and everything was all scarred over, and good to go, but it turns out, i bear the burn of that time not only inside me, but outside also...i still find myself rubbing my finger with my thumb the way i used to when my ring would turn itself on my hand and i would have to fix it. i feel so free not to be wearing it anymore, but i also feel burned...

you know what's funny about God? you will be going along, pretty content with your relationship with Him, thinkin you are doing well, no big issues, kinda on cruise control, and then WHAM!! out of nowhere, you hit the largest, bloodiest, most gory deer in the road that completely totals your car, and makes you stop...and you suddenly realize, if i don't fix this car, i will LITTERALLY never be able to go anywhere, not only that, but if i don't get this fixed, i will never have the ability or privilege to take anyone else anywhere...it's kinda funny, because it's never this beautiful moment where angles chime in, and God speaks to you while you are all glammed up on your way to wherever, it started for me when i was in the shower, and for the first time since john actually seriously thought about marriage in a capacity that would involve me, and i about died...it was at that moment, with mascara running down my face, and wet hair that i realized, oh crap, i think i just totaled my car....

My First Post

so i have never blogged before, mostly because i don't have many things that i feel are important to say, or if they are, i don't feel like i can expose myself while other people read. plus my life mostly consists of vommit, and diaper changes, and other vastly captivating baby oriented things. however, tonight something happened that i feel like writing about. i went to this benefit thing. now before i went, i realized that there was a distinct possibility that i would run into people that i haven't seen (in about a year and a halfish) on purpose, because the events of my life in the last 2 years have been completely insane. what i didn't realize was that EVERY person that gives me the desire to run screaming out of a room would be there. (please understand, i don't run screaming because i hate them, or dislike them or hold any ill will toward them, it's just that i let them down, and made some foolish decisions, and would rather not deal with the a. judgement b. sympathy c.apologies d.the unknown)....so i see these people, and quickly went and sat at my own table. i tried not to look in their direction, but it just so happens that i had to walk within about 2 inches of them twice...yeah...good times...i was shaking. literally shaking...trembling...as in, physically walking and having to concentrate on making it to where i was goin...i pretended not to see them, and they pretended not to see me. i guess it worked out for everyone. the question is should i have confronted my "fear"? should i have looked those people in the face and said, i'm over it, its over, i can't go back and undo those things those times those actions...or, should i have grovelled or apologized? i almost felt like i could just go somewhere and weep. it's interesting because lately, God has been bringing up my past in such intense and confrontational ways, that i cannot deny or get around the fact that He is working something out in me. on one hand, i still feel like a small child being punished, and in another way, i feel like a grown woman, fighting for her child, and validation...when i get embarassed, i feel almost ashamed, because although yes, i did some foolish things, but dammit, i am proud of and so blessed to have my son, and be where i am in my life. is it what i would have written in a story book if i could write my life? not a chance. but is God meeting me here, and has He redeemed what was meant to be my destruction? absolutely.