( o f : A m a n d a )

broken legs

Friday, January 09, 2009

today matthew jack and i went to summer and robbies for breakfast and just to hang out. then the two of them, the three of us, and their five kids and two dogs all took a long walk. we walked for quite a while, and jack's little legs got tired. matt put him up on his shoulders and carried him that way for probably about twenty minutes. all of the sudden i hear jack crying and whining at matt. he is begging matt not to touch his legs. matt explains that if he doesn't hold jacks legs, jack will fall off his shoulders....

at this point i tell matt just to get jack down so i can have a talk with him. jack starts freaking out an crying and saying his legs hurt. when matt puts him on the ground, instead of standing up, jacks legs buckle in a bambi-type-new-dear-learning-to-walk manner. when i stand him back up he falls again and is crying saying his legs hurt! at this point one of summers kids asks if his legs are broken? jack really starts to freak out now. i am holding him, and he is sobbing all the while telling me that his legs are broken...

all the grown ups, of course, have realized that jack's legs were simply asleep, but while i am rubbing his legs trying to get them to wake up, he refuses to believe me.

JACK:(sobbing) My legs are broken!!!
ME: (cracking up) no they aren't
JACK: (still sobbing) yes they are!!!

this is how our conversation went for about a minute. after which time, i stood him up. his legs held him this time, and he broke into hysterical, relieved laughter with tears still on his face. maybe the cutest moment of all time....

...

Sunday, November 16, 2008

so many thoughts swirl in my head. it is difficult to pick a place to even start. often lately i cannot help but to think of how blessed i am to have you. to be near you. to be loved by you. the other day in church the pastor was talking about how some of us know exactly where God has pulled us from. i am easily one of those people. i was in the deepest darkest hole before i reached out and "returned His kiss". i could never have imagined 7 years ago where i would be today.

i have been through many phases in my life. i have made some excellent decisions and some decisions that i can only shake my head at in complete wonderment. i am so thankful for what i have come through. i am thankful that i didn't walk alone, even in those times when i felt like i was the only one who knew how dark my life was. i am blessed to have lived through the teen marriage, grown up divorce, and illegitimate pregnancy of the last 7 years. i was bruised, marked, burned, stamped, named, killed, and re-born. i have been alternately dutiful, numb, burdened, embarrassed, ashamed, exhausted, elated, and proud.

i know where i have come from. i know the list of cons against me. i remember how it felt to be alone. to be shameful. i know how the darkness was. i remember the numb, floating, merely existing version of myself.

the old amanda--the naive, depressed, lost, numb amanda is gone. she has been replaced by the woman i have chosen to become. the woman i have healed to become. i could not have become who i currently am without a few key things. firstly, grace. you have no idea how important this unconditional and freely given grace is until it is the only thing you can cling to in life. secondly, jack. jack is what grounds me. he makes me consider who i want to be, and what legacy i want to leave.

for so long, my history controlled my future. my fears and previous experiences crippled me, and i allowed it. but i am proud to say, no more. i am incredibly happy today, and i am perfectly okay with that. it almost sounds strange to say, but for a long time i felt as though i didn't deserve to be happy.

now-a-days, i am almost too happy. lol. these are the things rolling around in my mind right this second:

i wonder if we would've had the same reaction to each other if we had met when i was young. i love that we were friends first. i can't believe we met at work. (is this cliche??) you are so smart. you are so levelheaded, and by nature you are incredibly calm. i love how intuitive you are, even though you call me out on shit i'm not ready to talk about sometimes. i love your honesty. i always know where i stand with you, and the tpoint of view that you bring is dead on (most of the time:). i fell in love with you so damn fast. that love was like getting hit by a truck. i had never experienced anything like that. especially coming from the viewpoint that i had at that time. it knocked me for a loop. that love has deepened and sweetened and grown over the last year and a halfish. i am in love with you, and i love you, and i wasn't sure i would ever be able to say that.

lesson learned?

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Alicia Keys
Lesson Learned
Listen to it as you read please.

He broke a heart
And now it's raining
Just to rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it
You'll say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came 'round
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

It's alright
It's alright
It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Sometimes, Some lies
Can take a minute
To fully realize
His tears, Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize

You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

old thoughts, new post

our thoughts and prayers go out to you.
isn't that what condolence cards say?

but they don't.
our thoughts don't magically go reach people.
our prayers don't wrap those we love in a spontaneous hug.

it is our responsibility to become those words.
you become a living prayer, a living condolence.
because no comfort is found in a card sent from miles away.

comfort is found in arms,
comfort is found in warmth.
comfort is found in conversations,
and the sharing of life, of grief and of burdens.

i won't send a card.

i will give you my voice.
i will give you my time.
i will give you all the strength and warmth and presence i have.

9/14/07...........2:28 AM

revelations

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

this weekend jared, gina and the girls were here. i took the all kids to feed the ducks on monday morning. seeing three car seats side by side and watching my son interact with his cousins took my breath away. to see him so happy and playful and childish was a moment of beauty. as i was driving and watching the kids tickle each other from their car seats, i realized that i want more kids. with everything in me, i want jack to grow up and exist in a family with siblings. i want for him what i had growing up. i love that kid with an immeasurable love, but no type of love i can give him can possibly substitue for having that sibling love. that companionship and built in friendship. i want jack to have the built in security of family.

my love for jack makes my heart want to explode. i can't imagine what my heart would do with more. as i considered how strongly i feel about my son, a friend pointed out that i have now experienced a tiny slice of what God feels. this insight blew my mind. the reality is that God wants all His children. all of us. each of us make His heart explode. and He desires more. He wants us in families. He wants us secure. He wants us surrounded and loved.

as i was putting jack to bed, we were praying like we always do. we hug throughout the bedtime prayer. in an instant, i was overcome with emotion. i hugged him and said, "i love you son"...with a seriousness i couldn't have anticipatied, he replied, "i love you mommy". uh someone kill me. i have thanked God a million times for my son, but tonight was different. tonight i was having a hard time keeping my eyes dry as i said it. i appreciate my son so much. the fact that God knew exactly what He was doing when He breathed life into me blows my mind. jack is my love. jack is my passion in life, and i am supremely blessed to have him.

strawberries and celebrations

Saturday, May 24, 2008

today jack and i went to the strawberry festival.

i love the strawberry festival. i love walking around in the throngs of people, and dodging those i know. lol. i love the delicious strawberry treats that are absolutely everywhere. i love the terriyaki on a stick, the fresh roasted corn, the cotton candy, the ridiculous and enormous drinks made out of pineapples. i love that there are live infomercials going at all time...i saw one for "the chopper" (similar to the magic bullet). it was amazing. but since i am me and not melissa or my dad, i didn't buy one. lol. i love watching families together, and kids getting their faces painted. i love the popcorn and the games. i love the loud noise and the smells. i even cracked up when i heard a mother SCREAMING at her children. "I SAID WALK! JESUS, DO YOU WANT ME TO FALL OVER BACKWARDS?!" (typically screaming mothers don't have a humorous effect on me, but you should've seen this lady..cotton candy in one hand, pushing a baby stroller, her two teenage kids who are pissed to be in public with her, her husband is eyeing either some art, or a female...and she is irate. so funny)

i love the art for sale, watercolors and oil paintings of ridiculous flowers that belong in old peoples houses.i love the caricaturist. i've always wanted to get one drawn, but i never want to wait through the line. i love the purse and wallet and sunglasses booths, who swear the price is $30, but change their tune as soon as you turn to leave. i love the fact that there and(hopefully)only there did i see a man wearing the equivalent of a Hawaiian shirt, but the print was speed racer. wow. lol. i love the fact that i have memories of being a little kid there, and that you can walk forever.

i love when it's just jack and i. i love being alone with him and having him all to myself. i appreciate other people, and my family for always being there for us, but it is so nice when it's just jack and i, with nobody texing me, no one calling, and we just get to enjoy even a short half hour with each other....i love being able to focus all my energy purely and only on him. he needs it. i need it. i heart the strawberry festival.

jonesing

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

lately i have an appetite i cannot fill. i am jumpy, i am impatient, i am a mess some days. the other day, i was driving, and i was jonesing so bad that while i was driving, i found myself clicking on and off my seatbelt, rolling my window up and down, and changing the radio station a million times. i finally got out of my car, i slammed my door and literally ran into the house. that is where i got my fix.
i walked into my house and i yelled, where's my baby!? immediately, i hear, "mommy's home!!!" jack came running over to me, and grabbed onto me and hugged me and continued to say mommy's home mommy's home a million more times. i was instantly soothed.
i miss out on so much with him(yep this is a pity party lol). between school and work and my need to study so i can pass school, i swear some days i only get to see him for four hours. when i am not near him, like when a big test, or speech or paper is due, i crave him. days that i have an entire free day seem to be ever interrupted. by obligations that come with him, or my own schedule or whatever else. the other day, jack got to spend some time with his cousins. he loves those little girls SO SO SO much! he had a blast, and it was great for him. still, while i was shopping and he was hanging out with his cousins, there was just this looming, ever impending sense of guilt over having a free afternoon and not spending every second with him. i was shopping for moms birthday which was awesome and fun and necessary but still i felt like i was short changing jack.
as soon as we were done shopping i took off for jared and ginas. i took the wrong exit and accidentally took a mini detour. i started jonesing again. i was shifting in my chair, and just wanted to scream at myself for the 5 minute delay i had created. the funny thing is once i arrived, jack could've cared less. lol. i got "mommy's here!" and a kiss, then he went directly back to playing outside with his cousins. which is great. i wish we lived closer and that he got to play with the girls more often.
i wonder sometimes if i need him more than he needs me. i know he misses me while i'm at school and work. i sure miss the hell out of him. i do not want him to be a mamas boy, but i feel like he is. i let him fall and calmly tell him to get up. i let him run and play at the park without hovering every second. i let him play by himself and don't require that he be leashed to me all the time. however, when i am home, he is on me. we start with a long hug and maybe sit together for a couple minutes. he cannot do much without my help or approval at this stage in life. uh. the growing frustrations of parenthood.
bottom line, i am guilty of spending too much time away from my son. i feel that guilt, and it is cemented into my soul when i tell him i have to go to work or school and i see that look on his face. i wonder if men feel this way? you know the dad that goes to work every morning. i wonder if when he kisses his kids goodbye he feels shitty for leaving. i doubt it. that man knows his responsibility is to provide for that child. my responsibilities are different than that. mine involve being a mother a student and an employee. the first i do out of love and pleasure. the second i do because i want to be able to be the best mother i can be. and the third i do because i need to work to pay bills. (i love the hp don't get me wrong:) i am conflicted on every level. i am constantly giving myself the "greater good" speech.
i know that i am pretty much doing all that i can do in this moment. however, that knowledge does not absolve me of my guilt. that knowledge doesn't change the look on jack's face or the tone of his argument when i announce that i have to leave. does he hurt half as bad as i do when we are separated? God forbid.

feb 9

man. some days are rough.

i don't know what to say. i feel like i've been cying all day, yet not one tear has fallen. i am exhausted, and stuck. uh. for one minute. i had so much hope. i was full of expectations and plans and freedom. i was light as a feather, and nothing could touch me. i could do anything, be anything, live my life how i saw fit. there was a new feeling of security, and a feeling of being carefree like i rarely feel. it was like the most beautiful summer day, and you know you have the day off. it was like the most relaxing, peaceful, beautiful vacation you could ever go on.

then as quickly as it came it was gone. the sky clouded over, and it got cold. the sun was hidden behind the clouds, and all my fears and all those strings that control so much of my life returned. i no longer can call my own shots, my days again are not my own. what little time i have to enjoy in life, you are taking captive. again. still. the fear that i hadn't felt in my heart again is squeezing. it is so suffocating that at times it is difficult to breathe. this blows.

stop feeling sorry for yourself amanda. be happy that you caught a brief break. be thankful that you had a couple of the most beautiful days you could've ever imagined. grow up. life is only as it will be.

dawns birthday

Sunday, October 21, 2007

was amazing. it was fantastic, and fun, and FABULOUS!! (picture uncle bobby saying the last one)

it was a beautiful day. dawn and nal had their nails done, and both girls had just gotten their hair colored, and let me tell you, beautiful....

we had been counting down this day for months, so the expectations were high, and we were basically peeing our pants all week long...

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barb got there, but it wasn't barb...but no one really cared cuz hello, there was a bad ass limo!!!! we carted all our extra alcohol onto the bus, and her gifts, and prepared to PARTY!! nal put in cd one, and we immediately jumped up and started dancing... unfortunately dancing in a moving vehicle without falling over is more difficult than it sounds... we hadn't even made it out of the apartment complex before nal flashed someone. ha ha ha i know i know nal, you didn't really flash them, you were wearing an undershirt. lol.

we went to pick up lisa and on the way, we cracked bottle one of champagne. we then picked lisa said hello to her kiddos, and got back on the bus to pleasure town. (okay not pleasure town, but happy town for sure) We went and picked up kaylee and stacey, and were on our way to wherever the road might lead...

on our way to dinner, we had more champagne, and the first shot of the evening...PATRON!! ps whose idea was that...ewww **by the way, i took a sip of it and passed the rest off to lisa***

we got to the restaurant, and were welcomed by mom, a room decorated with ballons, and a table decorated with chocolate chips... we sat down, only to realize that dawn had yet to man up to the bar... now this is where i have to give roz props. dawn had told her that she would only take three shots while at the post. roz made those shots count. the shots were created in buckets, which when full are two plus shots...ha ha dawn she tricked you! and by the way, the second one took dawn two drinks to finish...i'm not gonna say the word i'm thinking there, but fyi it starts with a "P" so we sit down, order some delicious food, and began our obnoxious yet hilarious evening at the hp. Nikki was our server and she did a fantastic job at wrangling all the mildly intoxicated people into order. then dawn opened her gifts and found out we are all sending her on a cruise!! YAY she was so surprised!! so many funny things happened at dinner. dawn kept looking at tio and yelling tio, i'm so glad you made it! uncle bobby quite possible took cormans virginity, and melissa made some fantastic comment to uncle bill about our bowling event on wed morning...ahh good times... at the end of dinner, dawns cake came out and we sang. the cake was shaped like a bottle of cuervo...amazing...great job nal. dawn was then ready to take her final shot. however, she insisted that mom take it with her. in turn mom insisted that shane take it as well. LOL. roz lines up the shots, and down they go..

we left the hp, and onto elmers where jimmy was kind enough to start dawn with a flaming dr pepper followed by a rick james biatch! for each of us. dawn opened her present from jimmy and put on the fantastic hat..then the smiths bought a round of red-headed sluts, and we boarded the party bus and partied out way to SLO. there were dance competitions and well, basically standing competitions...haha hard wood floors, spilled liquids, a moving vehicle, and four inch heels... good times. uncle bobby's dancing was classic of course....there was a certain hand rail that many attempted....

we arrived in SLO, and went to the library...where we ALL got in, including kaylee...we danced the night away, and dawn made a dollar from melissa for dancing with the guy in the black sweatshirt. then there was the attempt to help that one guy get his dance on...poor guy couldn't even dance as well as jack...we left the library, and found a cozy bench on the way to mothers...after some deliberation we decided to go back to santa maria. as we waited for the limo, (i was on the phone with matt) some guy walks up to me and asks me for a light. i said, no. he then walked over to the rest of the group, and KAYLEE gave him a light. thus began the saga that was zach effron. (aka michael ross wambolt) as he talked and joked with those in the group, he ended up walking across the street with us to meet our limo... however, as we were all walking across the street, he somehow felt it would be appropriate to slap my ass a few times. i bascially punched him in the head and used some very clear words with him, and he said he was sorry. as i am relaying to matt what just happened, i see him boarding the bus (limo). i was like what the????

hhahahahahahah

so onto the bus we all go, and head back to sm. as we get underway, we realize that effron is destined to be THE life of the party. his uhh shall we say antics? were completely out of control. lol. he danced, he laughed, he did things that our parents don't need to know about...haha oh my goodness the pictures i have of that forty minute drive are amazing...i hope someday i run into a sober zach effron, and i can show him these pictures...

we got to the sm inn, and effron bought a round. we then decided to leave, and took stacy and kaylee home...at this point we were so spent that pretty much each of us had commandeered a couch except for gavin and cherise, who were just starting to get their party on. i drove melissa and i home from dawnals house (jacks word) and we stopped at jack in the box on the way home.

all in all, it was a beautiful evening. shared by people we love, people we are close to, in celebration of one of my closest friends. as i write this i am getting all emotional and whatnot. i am so thankful that we have all become friends. it has been close to a year of friendship with you two, and i could not ask for better friends. you guys are always there when i need to vent, or bitch, or need help. i love the laughter, the camaraderie, and who each of you are. i remember back in the day when i couldn't tell who was answering the phone. now i count you both as some of my closest friends. you guys are always honest with me, and supportive, and just all arond fantastic...okay i'm gonna stop writing cuz i'm now crying...uh... i love you girls, and happy 21st dawn!!!xoxox

( o f : A m a n d a )

broken legs

...

lesson learned?

old thoughts, new post

revelations

strawberries and celebrations

jonesing

feb 9

dawns birthday

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