( o f : A m a n d a )

why do i think of him? i am fine, i don't dwell on or live in the past, and the things that you would think would remind me of him (which essentially reminds me of my failures) don't phase me a bit. maybe they taint me, but they don't stop me. and then, suddenly something as basic as eating ice cream brings it all back, and in an instant, i can see him, eating ice cream in that certain way he did. it annoyed me so much then. now it stops me in the middle of a busy shift. i wonder if i will ever stop thinking of him. not that i think of him often, but i think maybe it's more often than i should?
i pray for him when i think of him. i pray for me when i think of him.
i feel so responisble for bringing tradgedy to his life. i feel so heavy when i think of him. sometimes i can blow it off and not be moved, but tonight i was stopped cold.

so tonight, earlier i was in the drive-through at in-and-out, and a car pulled up behind me and i started to watch them. the mom was driving, and either on drugs such as meth, or just really irritated...difficult to say. the dad looked like he had zoned out a long time previous, and while he was in the car, he didn't seem very active. as i was watching this woman get more and more frustrated, (all the while fiercly chewing her gum and frantically using her hands) while she was trying to order, she kept shushing her kids. as i contiuned watching, she reached into the backseet and began to slap one of the kids. i could see the other child, most likely somewhere between ages 9 and 12 cry and yell for her mom to stop. i sat there feeling like crap. what should i do? go confront her? not so much with jack in the car. do i call the cops? i had no liscense plate number, and most likely, her kids would rather be with her than think of the possibility of being taken away, plus the whole if we tell on our mom, she might hurt us worse thing. and really, even if i call the cops, what are they gonna do? i have no name, no address, no information other than what type of car she drove and that she had a deformed left hand. so i started to pray for the family. i realized there was nothing more i could do than to pray that God would meet this family. about 2 minutes later (their drive-through takes for flipping ever) a thought hit me. i can do something. i can attempt to bring down their stress level. i can buy their dinner. i debated it in my head for a moment, thinking i didn't want to offend them, or have this woman try and come up to my car and starting drama, but in the end i decided that this is what i was supposed to do, and what i could do.

i hate feeling helpless. i hate it that those kids are growing up in a home where kids get slapped. i hate that even if they had been dead center infront of a police oficer, most likely the mom would have been issued a verbal warning, because slapping your child is "not that big of a deal"...

God i don't want to burry my head in the sand. help me to see the people around me. help me to hear Your voice and obey when You speak to me. please spare jack from that. may he NEVER see that in me or jeff. teach me to be patient, and soft. pull the harshness out of me and replace it with a fresh view of life, and a new excitment and whatever the opposite of cynicism is.

I am a spider killing machine. in the last week, i have killed four spiders. i hate them. they walk around all arrogant, daring you to do something about it. the way their bodies look, all scratchy and hairy, and dark. the fact that although i can't see their vicious teeth, i know they are there...uhh...
most of the time, i leave the glory of the kill for the menfolk, but recently, i have been doing it myself.
but really, if you were among the most hated creatures on the planet, would you walk around in broad daylight, daring people to swipe at you?