( o f : A m a n d a )

bath time is perhaps my favorite time of day....

jack is in this phase right now where he is absolutely obsessed with the water that comes out of the faucet. he likes to put his cup underneath it, until it is so full and heavy that he drops it. he then picks it back up, fills it back up, and tries to drink about 16oz of water all at once...which causes him to choke a little bit, and then he starts the cycle all over again....

at some point i will turn the water off, and he will continue to hold his hand or a toy under the spigot, until he realizes there is no more water...recently he has been attempting to understand why the water stops, so he puts his finger up inside the faucet. then, when nothing happens, he will put his whole face under it, and stare, trying to figure out how he can make more water magically appear....

he is so cute it's ridiculous. i want to kiss him all the time. his face gets all rosy, and once he is done with his bath, he insists on "up" we then brush his teeth and by we, i mostly mean him, as he insists on doing it himself...stubborn firstborn man-child....

i love bath time.

do i cry, in the night?
do i long, to hold you tight?
do i wake, wanting you?
yes i do.
do i recall, everyday
how you took, my breath away,
do i remember, loving you,
yes i do.


yes i do dream of all we had together,
yes it's true we lost it all forever,
do i pray, anyway?
yes i do.


well i don't live, in the past
mourning love, that wouldn't last
well i don't ache, like i used to,
yes i do.

--rascal flatts

you are a liar. you decieve. and i almost fell for it again. i almost felt for it again. again. i convinced myself once, only to be proven a fool. you are liar. you decieve. not me though, i won't be lied to again. i know who you really are. i know what you are really about, and a hundred "meetings" wont change that. i wish i never had to see your face again.

i am at a loss....i am being asked to go back there. that sacrificing place where i lost myself last time...deep desires have been stirred, and GOD is saying "I am not through with you yet little girl, I have more for you" and i am scared and i am hesitant, and i am thrilled. i got it wrong last time....way wrong. my priorities were skewed, my mind was wrong, i had no concept of myself and i thought by losing myself in everyone else i could be effective...




"'in using our anger as a guide to determining our innermost needs, values and priorities, we should not be distressed if we discover just how unclear we are. If we feel chronically angry or bitter in an important relationship, this is a signal that too much of the self has been compromised.'"




i was so angry, for so long.
i was so angry that i became silent. i couldn't even put together that i was angry...so i hurt others so i wouldn't have to examine my hurt. john i pushed you so hard, and i have no excuse for my behavior. the way i was is inexcusible, and i am deeply sorry. i was so angry and i didn't know why. and good christian girls can't admit that they are angry. by the time we were done, i was so angry with GOD that i couldn't talk to Him and i couldn't talk to you, nor could i talk to anyone else. i felt that God was the one who told me to marry you, and why would He do that when He knew we would be miserable...past miserable. so i got cold. i got cold with you and i did the same to God. i put distance between us, and the same to God.




...this time will be different. I am being shown layer by layer who i really am. some of it is ugly and horrid, and some things are a pleasant discovery. this time i am not 18 years old and scared to be someone that might offend someone. this time i will be who i was created to be. this time i am starting with myself, and once i have been disassembled and reassembled, i will be strong, i will be the real me, the truest version of myself.