( o f : A m a n d a )

LOVES CHOCOLATE.

I blame auntie missa. I blame pop-pop. I do not blame myself. I do not blame a genetic pre-disposition toward the love of that delicious, magical food. Although, I do have a very deep and beautiful love for anything chocolaty...still, it all started with M's (m&m's) given by auntie missa, and pop-pop... oi vey...we have now moved onto chocolate chip pancakes, and whatever else he sees that resembles chocolate in any way.

At least twice a day i hear, "...uh...chocolate??" aye dios...

I vowed i would be a moderately healthy parent, no soda, no candy, not tons of fast food...only to be undone by the LORDS most amazing gift, chocolate... sigh...

Again though let the record show, and jack someday when you are grown and want to know why you are addicted, you will understand that auntie missa and pop-pop did this.

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won't wait forever(2x)


In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

No I won't wait forever(x3)

was so much fun. i love summertime. i love that i'm not stressed out, i'm not in school, and i am spending shitloads of time with my son.

last night we wrestled and raced and had horsie rides. We rolled in the mud, and played keep away for close to an hour. the bridge cd was playing loudly, and both jack and i were sweating and breathing hard. it was freaking beautiful. non-stop laughs.

at one point we were both so flipping exhausted that we were just laying on my pallet, panting, with the music playing loudly in the background. my son took this opportunity to jump on my stomach, and i thought my heart might explode. the love that i have for jack is unrivaled, and unparalleled. it cannot be explained, it cannot be dimmed.

that kid has MADE my life. i am so thankful for him. i would not be half of the person i am had it not been for him. at times i have wondered why i couldn't get pregnant when i was married, but i got knocked up instantly with jeff. i wondered why God would let my life go that route.

i don't so much wonder any more. i can see the beauty and the purposefulness (probably not really a word) in the way jack came about.

he saved my life. because of jack, i came out of my depression, i came out of my shame and my death. i lacked so much life before him. i was melancholy and satisfied with less than i should've been.

i want so many things for him, and because i do, it makes me want things for myself. i want to live my life out in front of him in a way that will make him proud of me, and help shape him to be the best man he can be.

i have already learned so much because of him. i have changed so much because of him. i am so proud of him.

are not always a bad thing.
sometimes i forget that.
then i turn on the radio and hear, "i hope you dance..." ha ha
man that farmer's market was something else. we laughed at that barefoot nasty sounding, guitar playing hippie chick for so long. i will never hear that song without thinking of you. it's good to have a happy memory of those times. sometimes i think they are all sad, or tragic, or hurtful. then i hear that freakin song, and am forced to smile and remember that there was some laughter, some fun. i hope life is treating you well. i hope you can find something in your memory to smile about. i hope it is not all tradgedy and hurt when you look back.

so two days ago, i got to have lunch with my big brother. my brother has been my hero pretty much since i was born. there is no one who can make me feel stronger, no one who i fight to measure up to more than him. because of that, there have been times where i have gotten quiet with him. i don't like failing, and when i fail, i SO don't like doing it in front of those whom i wish to impress. my brother has never made me feel like a failure, even at times where CLEARLY i have blown it...like way way blown it. he has constantly been loving and reassuring, and supportive.

we had lots to talk about at lunch. i am trying out a new thing called honesty, and had much to say. as always, my brother surprised the hell out of me. i went expecting certain questions, certain concerns, and i heard none of them. what i heard was my big brother finding things in me that i didn't even know existed. one of the major things that he had to say was that i feel like my judgment is invalid, or worthless, because i have made some less than great calls in the past. which is totally true. this is why i keep my secrets, this is why i don't bring guys around, this is why i don't fight for myself. Because i feel like i have made myself look like a joke enough times to invalidate anything i feel or believe.

what's a trip is i never thought about it like that before, but he is 100 percent correct. because of the fact that i have not made great life choices, and my decision making skills have sucked in the past, i live my life in a way that only i will know about my failures. to some people this may not seem like that big of a revelation, but this realization rocked me to my core. the fact that someone i respect and admire more than just about anyone was sitting across the table from me and telling me that my opinions and feelings are valid, and important, and that i am no different than him or my sister... that was huge.

so thank you jared, for lunch. thanks for sushi. thanks for the sapporo. thanks for making me feel like i am allowed to believe in myself. like i am allowed to be happy. i love you bra.

Jack is so smart. I handed him his juice and told him to go put it away in the kitchen. He hops off my lap, goes running for the kitchen, and before very long i hear, "HELP" which really sounds more like HAOLP (sound it out)..i realize that he is trying to put it away in the fridge. HOW SMART IS THIS KID?

Sometimes I think it is to his detriment that he is so smart. We were watching happy feet a minute ago, and the mommy penguin, daddy penguin and the baby penguin were all standing together. This is what my son says: "mommy and dada" My heart instantly broke and I started to cry. Sometimes I think i can protect him from the truth. I prefer to think he has no concept of a mama and a dadddy being together, but he is so much smarter than i give him credit for. It makes me sad or something else i can't describe when i realize he knows things he shouldn't have to. when i realize he will likely see things he shouldn't have to.

I know God has forgiven me for the malo decisions I have made in my life. I have forgiven myself too, mostly. But there is something about the way my heart breaks when i see how Jack is being forced to grow up...